In Continuum.

Hopes & Fears

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here dithering around
Though I know I said I'd wait around till you need me
But I have to go, I hate to let you down

Black ink upon black lines, a momentary hesitation as the tip of the pen came so close to the surface of the paper. It might have been the fear of vandalizing the paper with my horrendous handwriting, or perhaps an abstract thought of polluting something so innocent, something so pure. But I placed those ridiculous thoughts aside, and applied just a little more pressure to my fingers as I signed the contract. There, I did it. The signature and the personal particulars filled in for my reply to the offered place in the University. The point of no return, the moment the metal ball at the tip of the pen was pushed back, releasing from within the slow gush of black ink. I pressed on from the first signature, then to the second and to the third. There is no stopping now, here we go. Here we go.

This is what happens at the brink of a new life I suppose, the way you think back upon the life that you've lived and hesitate. Despite the thoughts that the grass might be greener on the other side, despite the hopes that your life will be a step closer to your dreams realized, there is always that fear of uncharted territory, an alien planet. After all, the life in University is going to be a life I have never encountered before, a experience that has to be started anew. It's like migrating to a totally different country with nothing more than your registrations and your luggage. Hell, you don't even know what bus or train to take to the nearest mall to get your everyday necessities. That is how I feel right now, despite the excitement in the novelty of everything. Talking to people doesn't help, because they will tell you to "Prepare to lose a life", or about how stressful University life is. Sure, my life in this University is probably not going to be half as bad, or a quarter as bad anyway. But still, a new life. That's scary.

But I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

I wonder how it is like, picking out your wardrobe the night before or the morning of a school day, everyday. I recall telling my SRJC GP teacher once, that I'm not ready to give up the life of wearing a uniform to school. It's not like my uniform was particularly attractive or anything (A shitty brown color), but the simplicity involved in grabbing it off the hangers and wearing them represents a lot of things. For example, the simple life of being attentive in class, going to lectures, scoring well in examinations. It is a hard life - the school life - but at least there is a simplicity to things. It's like the army, just a lifestyle full of routines. They might not be the easiest, but at least it is simple. Somebody tells you to do something: Do it. But what am I going to expect from University Life? Or is the term "University Life" going to be seen as a sort of oxymoron by itself?

Being twenty-one years old, and in the University isn't a very fun thing. First of all, that right to be stupid and dumb is over, and people are going to tell you to get a grip if you lose that discipline within yourself and let loose. This is when you have to prepare for the rest of your life now, and this is IT. That explains the hesitation while signing the contract. To be honest, I wasn't sure at all about anything, because the last time I made such a decision about my education I ended up regretting it. I understand that this could be a totally different life for me, a decision that could possibly change things for the better. But you know how far a trauma in the past can get you, and you also know how big a disappointment and regret that first signature can be, once the metal ball rolls back and the ink starts to flow.

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here withering away
Though I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind
But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say

The girl crossed the street before me, heading towards the same bus stop today. She had a file in her arms, the kind of file students use to put a whole bunch of tutorials and notes. She looked like a student, or somebody whom I am going to be like in a month or so. To be a student all over again, that is both comforting and frightful. I wonder if I lost the touch at being a student, or if I ever had the factor to be one. After all, I wasn't the most attentive, I wasn't the smartest. I wasn't the brightest, and certainly wasn't the most hardworking. I spent the better part of the time in classrooms dreaming about storyline for stories and the movies I just watched. So to say that I want to go back to be THAT student? I don't think so.

There it went, sliding into the mailbox like a brown snake slithering into its home. The moment it dropped into the other pile of envelopes, I knew that that was it. I could have tore the application up and swallowed them. Or dump gasoline over them and set fire to them in a milk can. Fear overwrites people, and it overwhelms even the strongest love and hope. I cannot deny this side of me either, the side that is telling me that this is a new and exciting life, one that will potentially reach your dream. But fears, oh the damn fears! They are making me doubt, making me fear, making me so utterly spent these days. So utterly spent.

That I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

But I have to believe, that tomorrow is another day and every path is a path. You don't have to be in the Ivy League schools to make a difference, nor do you need to be the best, or the second best, or the third best to be known, to be acknowledged or recognized. The truth is - I have convinced myself - there is a way in every path. It doesn't matter where you go in life, but where you go in heart. I intend to follow my passion and allow it to take the wheel from here.

And as for the fears, I'm sure everybody experienced that on their first day of - well, everything. I was alone in my Secondary school from my primary school, and was also alonee in my Junior College days all the way. There is a constant renewal of life for me, and throughout the course of it I have lost and gained so many loved ones, so many friends.

To no one back home
I've got troubles of my own
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now

And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
For no one

I'm not sure why an entry dedicated to my hopes and fears has transformed into one about the appreciation of these friends that I have. But I guess all I want to say is that, no matter where this new life is going to lead me to, I hope that I will gain more friends and at the same time, not lose the old ones. You guys, are too dear to me. Because really, a part of this man that you see is made up of you guys. Thank you again, for the kind words and encouragements along the way. It is times like these - sad to say, that I only realized it now - that I realize just how truly loved I am, by you guys. Yes, you. And you. And you. You. Rid me of my fears, be my hopes. Be my hopes, don't let me down. Because I won't let you. Promised.

The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running