In Continuum.

R.I.P

Pippin," I didn't think it would end this way."
Gandalf," End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The gray rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it."
Pippin," What? Gandalf? See what?"
Gandalf," White shores, and beyond. A far green country under a swift sunrise."
Pippin," Well, that isn't so bad."
Gandalf," No. No it isn't."

--- The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

I don't think anybody expected it to end this way. Not like this. Not when optimisms were in the rise, and death slaps his penalty in everybody's faces. For all the effort that he placed to battle for his life, for all the prayers and wishes that we mumbled silently under our breaths. All the words, all the tears, all the optimisms, all came to nothing when Stanley passed away today.

The moment the cellphone started vibrating in my pocket, there was a moment of fumbling and struggle to get the phone out of my pocket. Now that I think about it, if I hadn't pulled the phone out of my pocket, if I hadn't answered Hanwei's call, if he hadn't told me anything, perhaps it wouldn't have happened. Things follow a pattern, and if I just broke that pattern perhaps it might have stopped it from happening. If I didn't do something today and did it tomorrow instead...but then again, it is not going to bring him back, all these "What ifs". Stanley passed away, and that's the fact we as friends, have to endure for this period of time.

But it is so unfair isn't it? You start to wonder, what Stanley ever did in his life to deserve such a short life. He had everything going for him, even if he was working as a delivery man at a McDonald's. He had a heart, in fact he is all heart from head to toe. That guy knew nothing but a goal, and he was working towards it bit by bit with his temporary job. He could have made it somewhere, to make his parents prouder than they already are of him. But nobody is going to find out where that 'somewhere' is anymore. All we can do now is to imagine a place where he is still alive, a place where he can realize his dreams. Does Heaven exist Stanley? Are your dreams coming true? Tell us, some time in the night in our dreams will you? Because you deserved so much more than this in life, we just hope that you attain it in the after life.

The unpredictability of life scares me. There are too many hospital admissions as of late around me. Stanley was in the hospital just last week when I saw him in the hospital for the first time in a long time, and that was also the last time too. I should have said something to him then, when his eyes flickered in the ICU in response to our curious stares through the window. I should have said something - perhaps anything - but because of his condition we didn't go into the room, afraid to bring in unwanted germs and viruses. I should have said something, but I didn't. I never said anything to him in life, and now that it is dead...wow, I hate myself.

They say that when you die, you go to the time in your life when you were the happiest. Perhaps not just a single moment, but a series of moments together in a long chain of endless dreams. Perhaps when you were with your girlfriend back then, your first kiss. The first paycheck you received, or the first time you got yourself a motorbike. I hope - we hope - that in that series of endless dreams, you can fit a little bit of the army life in it. Because Stanley, when we leave this world to join you, we will hold a torch in the dark that speaks your name and remember the days when we were all in the fields, trotting through swamps and hiding in the bushes. Those were the days, those were the carefree and happy days when you were still healthy, still fine. I just wish that the road left for you to take to Heaven will be a peaceful one, and take comfort in the fact that you will be loved, be missed, be thought about in the many years to come.

You were brave Stanley, so very brave in that hospital bed, battling death and fighting a silent battle. We all thought you were getting better, and you WERE getting better. I hope in the last moments of your life, when the soul of your body lingered in your dying body, you realized that death is not something to be afraid of, but a life not lived. And you, you lived it to the fullest, and you are, you were, and you will be, the hero in all our hearts.

See you soon Stanley.

Rest in peace.

Lay down your sweet and weary head
Night is falling, you've come to journey's end
Sleep now, and dream of the ones who came before
They are calling from across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see all of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms, you're only sleeping

What can you see on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea a pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

All will turn
To silver glass
Lights on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades into the world of night
Through shadows' falling out of memory and time
Don't say we have come now to the end
White shores are calling, you and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping...

What can you see on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea a pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn to silver glass
Lights on the water
Gray ships pass into the west...

*

For the brave and the strong,

the warrior of life in all our hearts.

Stanley.

(1986 - 2007)