In Continuum.

Two Days In February

I hung your picture on the wall, that's all it is
I break my fingers to make a call, that's all it is
I know you're living way out West,
And I don't think that I've confessed everything I feel

There was a couple I saw a few weeks I go I noted down in my notebook, but never got the chance to blog about. I was inspired, but never actually had the chance to plug that incident into any of the entries. After all, I didn't want to compromise the quality of the entries with a randomly inserted account of an old couple I saw, as much as I liked what I saw.

It was a night home from a birthday party I think, and it was getting late as the last of the commuters rushed home in buses and trains. There I was in the crowded bus, squeezed up against the backs of fellow passengers and smelling their dried sweat. It wasn't the most pleasant sensation in the world, but the urge to get home from where I was, overwhelmed the disgust I had for the smell in the air at that time. Thankfully, the bus pulled up next to the stop right before the experience became overly disgusting, and I stepped off the stairs with a deep breath of air, glad that I survived the minor ordeal on the bus.

You said you got no faith in the things that you can't see
Well I'm sorry I ain't there with you but you ain't here with me
And now I'm down in all my fears
And I ain't crying no tears over you

Following me off the bus was an old couple, somewhere in their fifties perhaps. They emerged from the shadows of the dimly lid bus hand in hand, and the man helped his wife off the bus tenderly and with much care. I watched, with the music stuck into my ears and a smile streaked across my face. It was a pleasant sight indeed, to see an old couple being so loving and caring for one another even at that age, something I don't even see in my own parents. I made my way down to the interchange, and they were right in front of me, all the while with their fingers tightly inter-crossed and grasped.

The old man was bald, and had a white buttoned down t-shirt on. He was wearing flip-flops like his wife, who wore a black sleeveless top, with her right bra-strap showing from the edge of her shoulder. I never liked the way older couples showcased their love for one another, I've always found it rather repulsive somehow. Of course, it shouldn't be assumed that I am a narrow-minded person in any way. It's just that when an elderly couple starts groping one another on a public bus, the sight is way worse than seeing a couple half their age doing the same thing. I thought the way this particularly couple held those hands tightly in one anothers', was such a simple showcase of affection and infatuation for one another. Even in the public, that little hand held in the others' revealed so much about the relationship. They were probably still going strong, probably went through a lot together. They've probably enjoyed their lifetimes together, in the same house and in the same bedroom, on the same bed and maybe even shared the same giant pillow. Such a simple gesture, and so much was communicated through it. I couldn't help but smile and just how much love I witnessed, even in the dusking years of this old couple. A wind blew, the smell of old people, the smell of the old couple. So old, so sweet...

'Cause everything's wrong
But it's alright
Everything's wrong
But it's alright

It is inevitable, when the people around you are showing you pictures of their boyfriends, or their girlfriends, or telling you what they did during the weekends, the little terms of endearments you guys call each other, or the little ring he gave you with your name engraved in the inner side of it, you start to feel this cold sensation in the middle of your palm, spreading outwards towards the tips of your fingers. Like a melting ice in the center, the chill reaching into your bones and then prickling the nerves until they start to ache. You start to despise those little gestures couples do in front of you, as if you do not exist, not caring at all about the feelings of the single people in this world. How ignorant! How selfish! How rude! You start to think of all the dirty words you can throw at them deep down inside, imagining them being crushed by a ten-tonne truck or be killed by a serial murderer on their way home in the middle of the night. Violent thoughts, childish and immature. Helpless, uncontrollable, idiotic.

Long bus rides conjure ideas that you do not usually have. Of course, the violent thoughts I had above are just some of the examples. It's worse when a couple sits in the favorite seat you guys used to take all the time. You see your faces on theirs, the way the girls' head is nested in the hollows of the guy's shoulders, and those little words whispered in each others' ears, those shy kisses and smiles that spelled a very public secret. You start to hate this life altogether, this life alone. This life without a warm hand to hold, or a comfortable body to embrace. You start to wonder what happened to all the good times, and the bad times slotted between the good times. You start to wonder how the old love is right now, if she is happily living her new life with her new love. However much grudge you might hold, however much hate you might have, it is inevitable to think about these things on long boring bus rides, in the sleepless hours of the night, or in full view of strange yet familiar couples all about the country.

You said that this is crazy, you're half the world away
And I'm sitting and I'm thinking but I didn't know what to say
So I said something I can't touch
I always wanted way too much anyway

You cannot help it, these feelings welling up inside. Because people just miss being loved after a while, but at the same time I know that I am not a good lover, not a good one at all. If I was, I could have kept you, I could have held on. It doesn't matter if you were worth the effort, or worth the try. I think I am better off as a friend, but even that I cannot bring myself to become now. So now I am at the crossroads, wondering which way should I take in this new life I am embarking on right now. There is a tug-of-war, a sort of confusion going on in my head right now. But I guess, I am truly indeed what I whispered into your ears so many months ago in the McDonald's. I am, truly a person who is great at friendships and bad at intimacies.

Corners in town, empty benches in the rain, things like that. I fear the moment when we shall meet on the streets one day, that fateful day somewhere in the future. This is what is happening to me now, this fear of meeting you for some reason, to visit the places that we have been to. With the meeting of that old couple I mentioned, that is how I imagined us to be like in decades from now, getting off crowded buses and walking off into the humid night air together, hand in hand. Whatever happened to those wistful thinking? Whatever happened to those hopeful dreams?

'Cause everything's wrong
But it's alright
Everything's wrong
But it's alright

Despite everything, all the nostalgias and all the melancholias, there is still a single truth. I cannot bring myself to forgive what you did to me in the past. I just guess, I am not big enough to be a person of such a great capacity for forgiveness. I am only human, I have the right to bear grudges. So what if you might be disappointed after reading this, if you are reading at all. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you feel this way about me or that. Because this is my prerogative, and it is something I shall retain for the rest of my life. The fact is, I will never forget what happened, what you did to me because you didn't know, or didn't want to know what you were doing. Don't get me wrong, I do miss the feeling. But that's that, and nothing more than mere memories. Forget about you being the old woman next to me, I am going to find another you, and much better you.

I hung your picture on the wall, that's all it is
I break my fingers to make a call, that's all it is
I know you're living way out West,
Don't get me wrong, I'm not impressed with you no more