In Continuum.

Jigsaw

I'm in the wars
Can't speak for crying
Close all the doors
Since I am dying

Aside from the accidental meeting with Corinna on bus number 105 on 15th of June, it's been more than a month since the last time I saw her. I remember the birthday party that she threw at her place, the one with the friends and the blind dog. It was a great party to be part of, hanging out with old friends and the new, slicing chunks of Prata in my green plate and then stuffing them into my mouth in the middle of the night. It was a great night to remember, a celebration of her brave march into adulthood that I shall not soon forget. But it's been so long since we had a proper talk, that I've almost forgot just how good it feels to have a real person sitting in front of you, listening to every word that is being vented out. To have your head unwind and unhinge into strings of words over cups of coffee at a cafe is more than what I can ask for, really. So you can imagine the excitement I was in, moments before my pint-sized friend walked through the door of Sakae Sushi at Wheelock's today.

It has been forever since the last time we sat down in front of each other and said," So, how's everything". The last time it happened was way before my school even started back in the early days of May, and even that meeting at Gardens was a short and short-lived one - which may I add, ended up with a walk back home with a terrible stomachache after mixing Coke and Coffee in our stomach. It was in the day of my utter destruction, the days when I managed to collect those broken pieces and place them in a mask upon my face. Perhaps it was a front to tell people that I am alive, that I am not succumbing to heartbreak just yet. But she saw through those, almost as easily as I saw through hers. I guess that is when you know that you have a friend sitting in front of you, concerned. When you can build walls around you and still have them pierce through the bricks - that's a friend, right there.

Pick up the phone
Attempt to call her
I'm all alone
Until she answers

It is not our faults to have so many dates canceled between then and now. Ever since my school life began and her relationship started to flourish, most of our times have been taken up dealing with our own lives. Juggling school and my own time is a chore by itself, and handling a boyfriend probably isn't the easiest job in the world either. Being caught up with these issues in biblical proportions, there is hardly time for us to sit down for a good coffee anymore. This is especially so when my holidays clash with her school term, and vice versa. It is not made easier when she has a hill of friends and I have mine too, and they are all grabbing us into different social circles each time. So time pulled us apart in a way, drifted us in different directions in the ocean until we were lost for a moment there. But hey, the Earth is round, and the further you float from each other only brings you closer on the other side.

It was comfortable hearing her chirpy voice over the phone again, as I waved at her through the entrance at the restaurant this afternoon. She was unusually well dressed, perhaps for the gig that she was attending in the night after our meeting. It was still a great excitement to have her agree on meeting me this afternoon, and I could hardly contain my excitement as we embraced in front of the luncheon crowd in the restaurant. Her head slammed into my lower jaw, and the pain surged through my head like electricity. But the hug redeemed it all, and I could hardly let go afterwards. It was a hug I've been craving for, the kind that takes your breath away and fills the emptiness inside your chest with a kind of warmth only special people can give. It was good hearing her on the phone, but seeing her was a million times better. Bitch, I know I just met you four hours ago. But I still miss you.

Momentarily she brings peace to me
Momentarily she brings peace to me

Sitting at the coffee table brought back a lot of memories, though it has only been a little more than a month since that happened. It reminded me of those aimless days I had, wandering the streets of Serangoon Gardens and writing random verses and words on my notebook. It also brought back the phone conversation that we had, as I sat alone in the outdoor cafe with the bunch of ladies next to my table who were talking about lettuce and cabbages. Those were the good times amidst the bad ones, the kind of light at the end of the tunnel. I remember the thoughts that ran through my head on those stormy days, the kind of storms that raged beneath my skin. But she was always there, as I was always in her storm, steering my boat and putting me in the right direction one way or another. I'm not sure if she was ever supportive of my relationship, or was at any point tired of my ceaseless whining. But steering she did, and here I am out of the rain.

We talked about anything under the sun as usual, the kind of things you talk in the confines of a bedroom. But it's not like locking myself and a girl who is attached now in a bedroom is an encouraging act. So it was the coffee table it is, and it's not like there are coffee readily available in either of our rooms anyway. The topics spanned from the homosexual man sitting across the cafe, to the life that I lead these days in my new school, to the old times we spent talking in the cafe and then back to our relationships - past and new. And from there we caught up with each other at light speed, and there is always a wonder in my head as to how much we can talk about even after knowing each other for so long. I mean, I don't even remember myself being this thirsty in a conversation with Ahmad. Perhaps it is just the chemistry, and the chemistry practical lesson between the two of us exploded into smithereens.

She barely speaks
But I hear her breathing
That's all I need
Someone who's listening

A thing that she told me, struck me hard on the head. She mentioned something about my life in the new environment, and how it was 'OK' for us to drift apart because she saw this new life as MY life, and that she needed to give me space for me to sink in. Which I thought was the worst idea in the world, but at the same time I started to wonder if I neglected my other friends at all, in the process of sinking in and moving out. There is something about giving balance to one's life that is so hard, and that is a problem shared by herself and me alike. To me, finding a balance between my school life currently and the friends that I've made in the past just seems like a juggling act of a fridge and a computer desk. It is also her - on her part - to balance between family and relationship, something most couples are constantly on the work for. Truth to be told, I guess the process of putting balance to our lives was really what dragged us apart.

But here's the thing, there is not such thing as "My Life" or "Your Life". Having a different life doesn't mean that the old one that I've had ended. It was merely put on hold, paused for the nurturing of this new one. Throughout my time in this 'new life', I've been thinking about us all the time, trying to fit our dates together. But they never seemed to fit, and there was an inevitable separation between us I suppose. However, I have never drew lines around me in a chalk stick and called this my life, and one around you to say that that's yours. Our lives have been overlapping each others' for the longest time, and you have always been part of my world throughout everything. It's the same as putting a jigsaw puzzle together piece by piece. I cannot have my focus on the whole picture at any one time, when I am constantly moving from corners to corners. But that doesn't make you any less important my dear, because you are part of the jigsaw piece that makes up the whole picture of me. You are as important as everybody else, and you to me is the piece of jigsaw covered in shiny bright gold.

And still she stays
Her time is precious
Until I am safe
She gives her presence

So it is not about different lives, and it is certainly not about living me to explore the new world on my own. This world of mine is shared by you, and it is only in due time when I find my way back to the coffee table and bitch about it with you. I understand that there may be times when we might have neglected each other one way or another, but there will always be a road that leads me to your other side of the coffee mug. You must have been through a lot in your new relationship, the one that you are in and desperately trying to keep hold - despite the general pessimism your sister(s) might has(have) on you. But like I said in the queue at Apple Service Center right before your eyes shone and the hug, I do mean it when I say that it doesn't matter if your relationship lasts three days, three weeks, three months, three years, or three life times. A bitch is a bitch, and you are mine.

So until our next coffee meeting and more interesting stories, do keep your chin held up high like before, and keep using that brand of shampoo you are using. You smell awfully nice as usual, and you looked more beautiful than ever too. Like I said before, I know I only just said goodbye to you at the bus stop a few hours ago, but I am already missing our small talks and laughs. We still have our creative differences in books honey, but that is who you are and what you are - my friend. And I love you to bits for that very fact.