Final Threshold
Friday, February 22, 2008
Final Threshold
Strange, it does feel a little strange. The conversation lasted for nearly two hours, and for some reason it felt as if it never happened. The moment the conversation window was closed, the computer turned off and the lights dimmed in my room, everything just went back to normal and I felt the same that I have been feeling for the past year or so. It was my final threshold, or at least the threshold I told myself that I needed to cross in order to move on, and having crossed that threshold a few nights ago, it just feels a little strange that I am feeling the same as before. The silence in the room is still interrupted by the familiar and constant beat of water dripping from the air-conditioning above, and the air still smelled a little different by the window at four in the morning. Still discomforted, still a little uneasy about the time of the night, still as lonely as ever. It's a little disappointing to know how little has changed ever since that conversation, a little upsetting to know that life is still pretty much the same. To know that contentment sometimes isn't actually enough, that happiness is like an abyss that can never be filled. So it got me wondering if my contentment with life now is merely a disillusionment, a little make-believe I created for myself. Like castles in the skies, like those silly childhood games I used to play in my bedroom. Yeah, you always get me thinking about myself, in all the right ways and all the wrong.
Strange, it does feel a little strange. The conversation lasted for nearly two hours, and for some reason it felt as if it never happened. The moment the conversation window was closed, the computer turned off and the lights dimmed in my room, everything just went back to normal and I felt the same that I have been feeling for the past year or so. It was my final threshold, or at least the threshold I told myself that I needed to cross in order to move on, and having crossed that threshold a few nights ago, it just feels a little strange that I am feeling the same as before. The silence in the room is still interrupted by the familiar and constant beat of water dripping from the air-conditioning above, and the air still smelled a little different by the window at four in the morning. Still discomforted, still a little uneasy about the time of the night, still as lonely as ever. It's a little disappointing to know how little has changed ever since that conversation, a little upsetting to know that life is still pretty much the same. To know that contentment sometimes isn't actually enough, that happiness is like an abyss that can never be filled. So it got me wondering if my contentment with life now is merely a disillusionment, a little make-believe I created for myself. Like castles in the skies, like those silly childhood games I used to play in my bedroom. Yeah, you always get me thinking about myself, in all the right ways and all the wrong.
To live in neutral, it's like putting your car in that gear, or to remain in a state of equilibrium. I wonder how can anybody live with that state of mind, or if it is possible at all. I have always believed life to be a constant battle of balance, to always seek for the middle but never actually getting there. So to live in neutral, the concept of it, it's just a little far out for me perhaps. It is definitely a gift on your part, to have lived for so long and being bulletproof at the same time, at last immune to any possible attacks and to live life the way you've always wanted, instead of how others would want you to act, like in a puppet show of sorts. But then again, it is true about the way we see our past relationships, especially those that ended up in a garbage hill. How little you think about someone else is probably how little that person thinks of you, and for some reason, despite never feeling at fault, I still feel immensely guilty. It is hard to explain, and I understand that my words are disjointed and wrong, but I guess it hardly matters. The conversation with you did complicate a thing or two, and we have both fallen into the extremities of our lives. Or, maybe that was being hopeful, maybe it's just me.
I realized that I have been, in fact, living in neutral all this while, but never actually realizing it at all. Allowing various different thoughts to intrude on my neutrality must have gave birth to those words that hurt you in the past, but then don't we all fall to either side of the pivot at times? It is sad to know, how low you thought of me, how little you still think about me. Though I must say, that I haven't been thinking very highly of you either, and the reason why I have been hating you so deeply is because deeper inside, I am still madly in love with you. To hold grudges at this point in time is silly, but it somehow seems even more foolish to feel that way right now. The final threshold didn't do much for me, I am still the same person as I was a week, a month, and maybe even a year ago. I remember that day a year ago very well, surfing through the older entries of last year reminded me of a thing or two. I sat at the Starbucks and waited for you for the whole afternoon, and you refused to see me while being out with some other guy that eventually turned into your current beau. I felt dejected, unwanted, and most of all unloved. How little has changed, despite everything.
But it was still nice to hear about you, from you, instead of anybody else from your school. I do apologize for making you uncomfortable about the multiple reports and sightings I have received from my friends, but it's not like I hired them to spy on you or anything. Start taking care of yourself though, I mean seriously taking care of yourself. Things seem to have been changing for the worse for you, and I don't believe I have known you to be this weak and frail since I have met you. It is a little frustrating that no one, not even yourself, having been taking proper care of you ever since I left. You are still the same, still difficult to feel happy, still speaks the same as if it was just yesterday when we both broke down over the phone. So little has changed, seriously, and all of that makes this final threshold of mine so trivial all of a sudden. So much for all the persuasion in the past, all amounting to this realization that little has changed ever since. I dearly hope, that you will not turn into the nickname you have gave yourself for the better part of your life, and you do find that one reason in your life to never be in a gloom any longer.
Despite that last conversation, I don't suppose anything is going to change for us. You are still going to live your life the way it has been, and I am still going to lead mine the way it has always been as well. I am happy, and truly grateful, of what I have right now despite the possibility of making it better. I am going to be reduced to the person that appears in the bottom right hand corner of your computer screen, the person you would least want to see on the same bus home, and probably also the person you'd least want to meet anywhere else in your life I reckon. It is kind of sad, to know that those entries I ever typed about you and for you, that thing we shared, is reduced to this - this, wreckage. You are also going to be reduced to the person with the same nickname, the only person under "Other Contacts" on my MSN list, and someone alone the lines of that. A mere existence, which is just plain sad if you ask of me. But then, don't we all begin and end in the same way in everything in life. From stardust to life, from life to death, and then back to dust all over again. I guess our stardusts were never meant to shine in the very first place.
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on Friday, February 22, 2008 at 11:42 PM.
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