In Continuum.

It's very daunting, to know that the only way people can communicate and come together can also be the only way people can fall apart so easily. This human relationship thing, it's so brittle and fragile as it is, and it doesn't help if the parties involved have trust issues to begin with. It just feels like a patient in a hospital ward at times, and the doctor comes in and tells you that the medicine he has could either save my life or kill me. So you become drowned in this dilemma of whether or not you should take the risk, because you never know where it might lead you. Words are the only weapon we have against the rest of the world, the only thing every human being possesses in order to understand, to be understood. It is how we relate to others and be related to, and in turn create a kind of relationship unique only to humans - friendships. I don't suppose those Disney cartoons we have seen while growing up are very accurate depiction of friendships at all, since their characters are usually talking animals or cars. I don't suppose animals come together because they feel that they are friends, or that they have this bond that they share. They stay close probably because of their kinship, or maybe it's just safer to stay together as a group. But humans, we are complicated creatures. Why do we form relationships? That'd lead to a whole research paper if we go into details, but let's just say that humans, or at least for myself, can't stand the feeling of being alone and dejected. 

I have come across a dozen different reasons why people might have had misunderstandings with one another, with me, or myself with somebody else. It all comes down to words being passed through a third party most of the time, and they are never very pleasant to the ears. Amplified and distorted, they usually become weapons more dangerous than guns or knives, but it's not the fault of the third party involved either. I mean, as friends in a community, I do suppose it is a risk you have to take when saying a certain something to someone, a risk that involves the possibility of somebody else finding out. It is impossible to prevent, undeniably scary, and completely inevitable. So the question comes down to whether or not we should just shut ourselves in, never to let anybody come into your part of the world ever again. It is a decision that someone is making right now, and I suppose you have every right to do what is of your best interest. 

But as for me, I can never do what you have done in the past, I never had the courage. I've always felt the need, the hope to reach out to others. And I have committed a mistake, a mistake committed by a lot of people in this world. And that is, to speak more than I should have, or rather, to have used the wrong words in the wrong time. As a result, filtered through the interpretation of somebody else, it definitely worked against me, and I do feel immensely guilty and upset about things, though I still believe that it was a case of misunderstanding and words being taken out of context. In truth, I do not suppose that I meant the words that I said, and if taking it out of context harmed you in any way, I do feel obliged to apologize and most of all, feel a need to redeem myself - though I have no idea where to begin, and how this would eventually end. I do hope never to end this precious thing that we share, that something which you are only so willing to share with a handful of people. I am the most honored and the most grateful in being that other person whom you are willing to give that trust to, and the worst thing that could happen would be to have a minor misunderstanding to break apart this trust that the both of us have tried so very hard to build.

Words, and more words. I am sure that is exactly what you need right now, and that last sentence was typed with much sarcasm. Computer mediated communication does indeed has its drawbacks, you can't bring forth tones very well, and our misunderstanding was partially due to that very same reason too. It is true that I have enjoyed this thing that we have shared since day one, never have I regretted talking to you, knowing you, and for a single day doubted you. But I guess, your trust in others isn't something which I can alter, nor is it something which I can persuade you to change. It is difficult for you to trust again, and the same can be said especially for those you've had once trusted. I can't say, for certain, that we will be the same as before, but I do hope that with your sensibilities, you'd make the right decisions here. Don't let this little misunderstanding come in the way of what we have so tirelessly built in the past, I think this friendship deserves a lot more than that. 

It is my business whether or not I want to treat you as a friend from this point, henceforth. It really is, as it is your choice as to whether or not you'd want to treat me the same. But here it is, I shall not change anything about you, within me. I know, more words - you really don't need that right now. But words are all I've got to have you trust me again, to put me back into your tightly knitted circle of trust. This is all I've got, I've emptied my pockets this time around and I haven't got anything up my sleeves. This is me, stripped of anything fancy and condescending, telling you that I fear, that I am petrified by the idea of losing you. I am indeed, and very much so. I am so afraid that things might sway against my favor because of a trivial thing such as a misunderstanding, I am so afraid right now, you can't even imagine. So this is like, a plea to you right now. To make the right decision, to know what your decision may entail, and please always to keep in mind how comfortable we have been as friends, because I know that I'd regret this for life if we do not iron this out. You have been, so good, and so kind to me, and it'd be such a disaster for you to lose your trust in me, and for me to lose a friend like you. This is not me, patronizing anybody. This is me, scared out of my wits. 

Words are all I've got right now, and I wonder if you are even going to read until this far. I do hope so, though, I really do. I hope that by the time we talk again, you are going to slap me in the back and say," You worried too much". If you have reached this point in the entry, then you've probably already seen a side of me not a lot of people knows about, the side that is scared witless and with his pants soaked in piss. I might not be the perfect friend, I know I am bad and I am still learning, but accept me like you did. Like you once did, because back then everything was so, so beautiful.