Singles Awareness Day
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Singles Awareness Day
What irony, for the restaurant to be playing Desperado by the Eagles right now. "You better let somebody love you," the woman is singing," before it's too late." It's really not a choice of mine, woman, I suppose it is easier to deal out your love than to receive love in return. On years like that when you haven't got anybody to send a lovey-dovey text message to at the stroke of midnight, or a obligation to dedicate a romantic dinner to somebody else, it becomes such a relief to be able to see this day slip by as if it doesn't matter at all. In fact, it's much easier to lock yourself in your bedroom today to watch Audrey Hepburn movies, even if they are usually choked with the same old story line of her falling for some other man. Some might see it as a painful reminder how pathetic you are, curling up in your own bed, by yourself, on this day, watching a sappy romance movie, alone. But I guess watching such movie only further proves my beliefs that love really is something that happens only in the movies. Love grows, love peaks, love lives happily ever after in the span of two hours, but we have to deal with it for a much longer time in reality, and nothing in this world is harder than that. The manager asked me the second time if I'd like to order anything else other than the cup of water that I've been rationing for the past fifteen minutes. It does feel strange to be using my laptop in the middle of a Japanese restaurant, but I guess it is nothing compared to being the only single in a room full of loving couples.
" There's nothing wrong, of course, with delighting in love and honoring friendship and stopping in the bleak midwinter to tickle the people we love. But it's also a good sign of psychosocial health if the day just saunters by and winks, and you feel no need to pay attention. The minute it feels like a duty, it has lost its purpose. 'Love sought is good,' Shakespeare observed,' but given unsought is better.' "
--- Nancy Gibbs
I am typing this entry in the middle of Pasta de Waraku, with young waitresses screaming Japanese around me without knowing what the hell they are shouting about in the very first place. Sitting right across the aisle from me is a couple dressed in the same checkered brown shirt, and they even have the same colored hair. Color coordination in wardrobe, can't believe couples nowadays are still interested in something as silly as that. I wonder how long it would take for that couple to tell each other," Let's coordinate our wardrobe this year by not wearing anything at all." I think that'd be rather interesting, but you got to cut them some slack this year. In fact, I should cut some slack off those love birds wandering around the streets today with bouquets of flowers in their hands, fingers interlocked and whispers of secret under their breaths. It is that time of the year all over again, the dreaded Valentine's Day, as if the past three hundred and sixty five days hasn't been enough to raise the awareness of my bachelorhood.
What irony, for the restaurant to be playing Desperado by the Eagles right now. "You better let somebody love you," the woman is singing," before it's too late." It's really not a choice of mine, woman, I suppose it is easier to deal out your love than to receive love in return. On years like that when you haven't got anybody to send a lovey-dovey text message to at the stroke of midnight, or a obligation to dedicate a romantic dinner to somebody else, it becomes such a relief to be able to see this day slip by as if it doesn't matter at all. In fact, it's much easier to lock yourself in your bedroom today to watch Audrey Hepburn movies, even if they are usually choked with the same old story line of her falling for some other man. Some might see it as a painful reminder how pathetic you are, curling up in your own bed, by yourself, on this day, watching a sappy romance movie, alone. But I guess watching such movie only further proves my beliefs that love really is something that happens only in the movies. Love grows, love peaks, love lives happily ever after in the span of two hours, but we have to deal with it for a much longer time in reality, and nothing in this world is harder than that. The manager asked me the second time if I'd like to order anything else other than the cup of water that I've been rationing for the past fifteen minutes. It does feel strange to be using my laptop in the middle of a Japanese restaurant, but I guess it is nothing compared to being the only single in a room full of loving couples.
The following was typed back home after a day out at April's.
For the most part of my life, Valentine's Day has been spent alone in my bedroom, logging on to the Internet at seven o'clock in the evening, dreaming about going out with the woman of my dreams, but in truth spending time with fellow bachelors and bachelorettes, roaming around the cyberspace and making each other feel better without saying a single word. I received a bag of homemade cookies from a girl in 2003, but only because she was too bored the night before, and baking was a sort of hobby to her. Besides, she was single back then, and she baked for the whole class for the fun of it all. The cookies tasted like rocks ought to taste, and they were the hardest and the most inedible cookies I have ever tasted even till this day, but it was still sweet of her to do it for us, for me included. In 2004, I received a rose, but only because another classmate, who was single, bought one rose for every classmate that very morning before she went to school, and I thought it was awfully nice of her to do such a thing. 2005 and 2006 saw the Valentine's Days spent in the army camp, and I am eternally grateful that those two years spent in the camp did not swing me in the wrong direction. Friendship Day really is just a euphemism for "Singles Awareness Day", and do observe the acronym.
It used to matter a lot to be single, it used to hurt. Then it mattered even more, because I was loved. Now it matters too little for me to give it a second thought, or a thought to begin with. Twenty years of being single was enough to drive myself crazy, then last year came along and I told myself that I was never going to spend another Valentine's Day with another woman in my life but the one that sat with me by the sea, with the city lights making brought shadows over the choppy seas, a fisherman tossed his bait into the waters, and the reeling of the string was the only sound that broke the silence out than the careless beating of our nervous hearts. We were unsure of where the night was headed, but more so about the days and the months ahead in our relationship. We were a paper boat in the sea, by the shores of a long lonely beach. Not sure of where to go, just allowing the currents to bear us as far as possible. It wasn't very generous to give us a smooth ride though, and things ended swiftly after a month after that very night. It was still a beautiful night, still is. A night when everything was either before or after us, and we were in that very moment - the moment, when eternity was close enough to be felt with our fingers.
A year on, I woke up in my bed this morning knowing that I haven't a duty with me. I did not spend the whole night making a single present for anybody, no text messages were sent to anybody either. It just felt like any other day, breathed like any other day, and I certainly wasn't feeling more loved than any other day either. Kania asked me the other day if I am somebody who sees Valentine's Day as a day of utmost importance right now. Perhaps I should have clarified myself, but it certainly was an important day while I was still very much attached. These days, my job becomes the soldier at the coastline bunker, the man in charge of the lighthouse. I have the job at the observatory, watching the stars every night as they shift and shines. Some stars shine brighter at night, while others are dying a dozen light years away. I see couples coming together, couples falling apart for various reasons. It becomes easier to be standing from this perspective in this pair of shoes, it becomes more comforting to know that what I've been living with, what I am still going through, is the same as everybody else around the world.
April and I felt that we should have our outstretched middle fingers pointed out into the first light of today, that we shall not be enslaved by a day created by card companies around the world. After all, more cards are sent on Valentine's Day than any other day in the year - even more than Christmas. It is a great marketing strategy, and we swore to swim against the flow this year, to break free from the bonds of convention and make this day our own to enjoy. So we invited a few fellow singles to her place to hang out. It was just April, Naz, Jeannie and myself in the end, but I thought the small group increased the intimacy, and the lot of us, save for Jeannie, ended up talking about our more personal issues until eleven thirty at night. I would have stayed longer if not for the fact that I have school tomorrow, followed by a gathering to watch Juno at the theaters, something that I cannot wait. We've had our very own Valentine's Day, and we successfully defeated the demons of loneliness by finding company in the intimate conversations we had with one another. To be honest, this is probably one of, if not, the best Valentine's Day I have ever had. It just felt great to be sitting around her room and talking about - things. Things that shall remain in the darkness of our minds and the four walls of April's room. But it felt great, to be really talking to a group of people you can trust, all over again.
A bunch of hits and misses as of late, hearts finding each other and hearts hurting more than their heads for some others. I guess there isn't anything wrong with couples seeing this day as something special, though I must admit that I was rather vindictive in the past few years. But I guess, in a way, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be a day for the lovers. It could be for friends as well, to come together and just enjoy ourselves over revealing board games and awesome pizza in the deep night. What can I say, I just love my friends too much. Especially for those who were there for me and with me today, you guys were incredible, just more than words really. So for this year, no boxes of chocolates, no little fancy cards with pretentious little words. No more whispers in the ears of a lover to tell her that I love her, or the warmth of one woman in my life on a windy night. This year, just the warmth of a bunch of friends in a cozy room, and here I am telling them: I love you.
Take that, Cupid.
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on Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 2:10 AM.
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