In Continuum.

That is not the only hint that he has been dropping these days in regards to his wish of me to go back to Taiwan. He has been asking my sister to draw up floor plans for his new office in Taiwan as well as the new condominium he just bought, a spanking new penthouse that supposedly has an ocean view from the very top. Of course, everything about this new condominium exists on paper thus far, but my father seems to have a hundred percent faith in the contractor when he said that we'd be able to see the sea from our bedrooms. While the view of the ocean would remind me somewhat of April's view from her bedroom window, it is still difficult to say when your future home is still an empty piece of grassland with nothing but metal columns sticking out from the grounds. Anyway, he bought that house for himself as well as my mother, a sort of future retirement home of sorts for the both of them. And as for that new apartment that he bought and renovated last year at a handsome six digit price tag? He said that he'd be giving that house to me if I move back to Taiwan. Jokingly of course, but the repetition of that joke in the past couple of weeks has lent some realism to his words somehow. 

The idea of it is tempting enough I suppose, the thought of having a potential job and a posh new apartment to live in the moment I land in Taiwan are both very good reasons to leave this country that I have stayed in for the past seventeen years or so. I do take this as a sort of privilege somehow, the fact that I have the option to choose whether or not I want to stay or go back to whence I came. I don't suppose a lot of people in Singapore, or anywhere around the world, have the same kind of options as I do at this point in time. Certainly, the thought have crossed my mind over the past few years when it comes to moving back to Taiwan permanently, but there have been more reasons to stay than reasons to leave, admittedly. In the recent turn of events, however, I have felt a lesser need to stay here in Singapore due to various reasons. Everything from the expensive cost of living, to the high gas prices, to the print media in Singapore controlled heavily by a authoritarian government, to the whole army issue, to the annoying neighbors that renovate their homes every two to three years or so. From the biggest reasons to the smallest reasons, and here I am telling the world that I have had it, that I have had enough of this shit. 

It's interesting how, even after seventeen years of living in the same country, I don't seem to have lost sight of where I came from at all. I still tell people that I am a Taiwanese, I still speak with the same accent, I still think that Taiwan is my home, and all of those despite the fact that I am Singaporean in black and white. The homely feeling is always going to be there whenever I wind down the car window in Taiwan to smell the evening air when I land, it always smells the same and it always smells so familiar. Of course, I have long ago thought of Singapore as my second home, but then the same cannot be said as my student life is drawing to an end. College is going to end in a year or two, and a job search is probably going to start soon enough afterwards. It is hard enough for ordinary citizens to earn a living, and I don't see myself working inside an office space for the rest of my life either. These are the decisions that I have to make, and it is pretty hard as it is piled up on top of the things that already are. There are reasons to go, but are there also reasons to stay?

The reason why I wanted to remain here in Singapore has always been the people that I have met throughout the course of my life. We have the people from Secondary School who went through the greatest part of my academic life, the people from Junior College who are also the most in line with myself in terms of our frequencies, and so many other people who has touched my life one way or another. It is going to be hard to let go of these amazing individuals who have made the last seventeen years an incredible time to live in. With that said, however, I do suppose it is a rather ridiculous reason to pass on a golden opportunity just because you have a few people you can't bear to live without. They are amazing and admirable people, and they have defined the term "friend" for me on so many occasions and in so many ways. Despite that, however, it always comes down to myself and what I am supposed to do with my life. Looking at things from a different perspective, it doesn't seem difficult to realize that I don't actually have a lot of things, other than the people, to hold on to in Singapore any longer. 

My parents are probably going to move back, I suppose they've made up their minds the moment they came to Singapore. They have always seen Singapore as a temporary thing, a stop over before they go back to Taiwan and back to their families and friends. And as for my sister, her heart and mind has been in Taiwan for the longest time, and has never changed ever since her childhood. Every television show that she likes, every band that she goes crazy over, every food that she has salivated for has come from that little island off the coast of China, and Singapore just isn't the place for someone like her at all. And as for me, I do suppose I have always felt like a social misfit one way or another, to be somewhat different from my classmates. I guess you can never actually fit in if you don't think like the majority. I have been coming up with a mental checklist of the things in Singapore that I'd be able to get in Taiwan. There aren't a lot of things that I cannot find a replacement of somehow, perhaps just the company of someone who can have deep and meaningful conversations in English. English speaking people in Taiwan are hard to come by, the ones that dare to speak the language anyway. That is going to be a problem, but then that is also why knowing English is going to get you to a lot of places there.

It is a little cold hearted to say so, but then I don't see why I should stay for anybody here in Singapore anymore. I am sure the paperwork is going to be a hassle by itself, if I do ever want to move back to where I came from. People are going to complain about you switching your citizenship here and there, tell you that you have no loyalty to either countries, stuff like that. It is going to be difficult to move on the basis of that itself, but I still can't help but imagine the kind of life that I'd have, moving back. Sure, I don't think Taiwan is as perfect a society as Singapore, but it's still home no matter what. It is still a long time away, and my father is still pretty much in the joking stage of things, still fooling around with the thought of that. At the end of the day, they are not going to chain me up in a suitcase and drag me all the way to the airport just so that I'd go back to Taiwan with them. The decision is going to be up to me, and right now it is not that difficult a decision to make. Events and people haven't convinced or persuaded me to stay at all, perhaps just responsibilities and obligations. 

I guess the possible trip to the States next year is going to be a gauge of sorts, to see how much I miss this little sunny island in South China Sea. You know, to stay there for half a year or so and see how things turn out in my sentimental head - at least that is how it usually works. It is a strange gauge I suppose, but it's not like I have any other choices. There isn't a guarantee that my life is definitely going to be better on that side of the fence where I call home, nobody can make that kind of assurance in my life. After all, I have been away for far too long to know whether or not I am going to enjoy the rest of my life there. Besides, I don't suppose I am the kind of person who is contented with the same place for a very long time. Still, I guess I am willing to take the chance, to take the risks involve, to test the waters and see how things turn out. After all, it's all about going back home really, how bad can that idea be?