In Continuum.

I wanted to title this blog entry as "Restroom Regulations", or "Restroom Etiquette". I find the rules that we observe while being in public restrooms rather amusing, to be honest, even though there aren't papers plastered on the walls to reinforce these rules. There are rules, while others are just strange and horrific things that happen in restrooms all over the world. But, it suddenly occurred to me that I haven't got enough experiences with the female restrooms. I've only been inside a female restroom twice in my life, and one of those times was because the boys were punished to wash it. I think it was my primary three or primary five camp in school when the boys conjured up a ghost story to scare the girls. The teachers found out about it, and the boys were all divided into groups to wash the restrooms in every floor. I was tasked to wash the female restroom, I remember, and that was the first time I stepped into the pink-colored restroom that posed as a stark contrast from the blue one next door. The second time was done because my friends and I thought it'd be fun to take a picture of ourselves in it, and let's just say that we were rather nervous about being caught. 

So anyway, I haven't got enough experiences inside a female restroom to tell you how it is like in there. I've heard stories of course, horror stories to be exact, when it comes to female restrooms. The girls almost make it sound as if it is a good thing that their restrooms are worse than the boys', because of something that they have and we don't - sanitary pads. Yes, gentlemen, those things can become pretty repulsive to look at once they are drenched in blood and covered in flies. It isn't helped by the fact that cleaners tend to be slow in clearing away the trash can designated for sanitary pads, and they tend to pile up pretty fast during peak hours. It is made worse when girls are inconsiderate, and think that it'd be convenient to try to flush them down the toilet bowl. What they don't know is that when the toilet bowl get all choked up, it is the cleaners who have to reach in to dig those sanitary pads out from the pipes, and you really don't want to be in their shoes when that happens. So anyway, I give it to the ladies when it comes to restroom horror stories, but it's not like the boys don't have our fair share of horror stories and strange rituals that we observe. For those with weak stomachs, do not proceed beyond this point. Vivid details of male restrooms are as follows. 

First of all, male restrooms are probably the most distinct for one thing - the urinals. Yes, the urinals are the signature ornaments of a male restroom, not found anywhere else in any public building, whatsoever. Due to the fact that men typically have the in-built capabilities of urinating while standing up, people have designed the urinal for speedy and efficient expelling of waste liquid. OK, it just makes pissing much easier for the lot of us who don't want to spend too much time in an enclosed space with strangers while our penises hang out from our pants, is that honest enough for you? So, it is either the cubicles or the urinals for you, if you are a man, when you enter the restroom. Let's head over to the cubicles first, and this is where most men would go to for their number two, though some men use it for their number ones as well. I'm not sure why they'd do that, but I know of guys who'd insist on using the cubicles even for their number ones. I think it's because they are not exactly comfortable with showing off their privates, or maybe they have had bad experiences with people that stared. Either way, I suppose it is OK for you to use the cubicles for your number one if you wish, just make sure you have a good aim of things when you are in there. 

Because really, aiming can be quite a problem in public restrooms, especially when you are the type who'd prefer to use the cubicle for your number one. I mean, most people use them for number two, and they need to sit down to do so. You don't mess up the place with your piss and then expect others to sit on it, right? I think most men are fine in that respect, but there are some who cannot seem to aim straight. I'm pretty sure your fathers taught you at a young age when it comes to what you should do in front of a toilet bowl, right. You take the pants off, the underwear off, you pull the foreskin back and you aim for the little patch of water down below inside the bowl - easy. Some men start off urgent, while some men start off drunk. Some men start off eager, while some men are just stupid. It doesn't matter how you start out, some men are going to screw things up for other men, especially the number one men. They are going to pee everywhere other than the little patch of water down below, and that includes the seat and all the tiles around the toilet bowl itself. That is also why you are advised to run away from the premises, and I mean run, when you see a puddle of water in front of the toilet bowl. Don't suspect that it is a pipe leakage, just assume that it is piss. Run! 

I don't really know why it is so hard for some men to be so careless. You take it out, you have a good grip on your willy-willy, and you open the floodgates - easy. By "good grip", I mean a gentle enough grasp though, and not as if you are holding a crowbar and trying to open a manhole (manhole, get it?). It hurts if you do it that way. Anyway, it really isn't that difficult, and any man should never have to be reminded that they should aim properly, at the urinals or in the cubicles. You do get a lot more privacy in the cubicles, because you don't get other men standing around you and doing their businesses while you do yours. You can take your time there, make sure everything is clean and nice before you move along. You don't feel exposed, I guess, though I didn't really have a problem when I went to the urinals myself for the very first time. I don't know how I did it, but I probably just imitated what all the adults around me were doing, and it felt rather natural. I mean, they surely didn't see anything wrong in showing off their privates in the public, though it was still pretty hidden front sight for the most part. The thing is, if you are going to use the cubicles, aim properly please. Thank you. 

Now, let's move on to the urinals, the more interest part about our journey through the male restroom. First of all, you want to give yourself a bit of space when you are standing in front of the urinals. There are rules to follow in a male restroom, for example the rule that states that no man should expose his penis freely in the presence of other men. It's true, because you could be charged with indecent exposure I'm sure, even in a public restroom. You want to be close to the urinals so that you are not too exposed, but at the same time not so close that your face is plastered to the wall in front of you. Someone should really reinforce this rule, because there was this time when a man flashed his penis at me in a public restroom. Well, he wasn't flashing at me, but it was hard for me to not notice it when he was washing his penis at the sink. Yes, it was at Bishan Junction 8 when it happened, and I was just minding my business at the sink when an indian man came up to the sink next to mine with his penis hanging out from his pants. He started washing it in the sink next to me, and I just kinda looked on in shock because no one has ever done it in front of me before. So, you want to keep it as hidden as possible, but not so hidden that you cannot do your business properly. 

Now, urinal selections are very important in a male restroom. You walk into a restroom, and there are rules as to which urinals you can go to, and which you should stay away from. For example, if there are nine empty urinals and one that is being used by someone else, the two urinals next to that man are automatically out of bounds. If he is standing in the last urinal, then the one directly next to him is even more strictly out of bounds. When faced with a lot of urinal options in a male restroom, you do not - I repeat, you do not - pick the one next to the only other user. It gives that person a disturbing feeling that you may be wanting to compare assets, take a peek, or hit on him. Only use the urinal next to somebody else when you haven't got much of a choice left. As much as you can, also, try to keep an urinal in between yourself and all the other men around you, because you never know when they might be peeping over your urinal. Of course, in return, it also prevents them from thinking that you might be peeping over into their urinals. It's true, because some men can't help but look at other people when they are urinating at the urinal. They can't stand the sight of the wall in front of them, so they look sideways at someone else's business. The moment when your eyes meet is probably some of the most awkward moments in a man's life. 

Let's say you walk to the section of the restroom with urinals, and you find that the urinals are all mounted on different walls, there are rules to that as well. Let's say there are three walls in front of you: one directly in front, and one on the left and the right. There are three urinals on each wall, and someone is on an urinal directly in front of you. It is suggested that you should never pick the same row as the man on that urinal, because that'd make things weird. Pick the other two walls on your left and right, and not the one in front of you. Also, if two men are chatting while they are urinating next to each other, don't go to the one directly next to them as well - it's weird. Unless, once again, you haven't got an option left because all else are taken up. But at any rate, the rule of thumb is that you keep your eyes to yourself and not anywhere else. Not to your left, not to your right, not at the belt buckle of the guy next to you, or his t-shirt, or his shoes, or the ring on his finger even if he has two penises and one testicle. You keep your eyes to yourself, and make sure that you get the aiming right. Because seriously, you'd think that men pee better when they are that close to the urinal - you are wrong. Some men, for some reason, do worse. 

I don't know why it is so difficult to control your urine at the urinal, it's just unbelievable. It's not like you have to measure and calculate the angle of trajectory when you are urinating. You don't have the measure and calibrate the amount of force needed in order to project the stream of urine into the urinal. You just do it in a very natural way, it's not rocket science. I think all men are built to be able to control their bladder, unless you are old and you can't hold your urine very well, then that's fine. I'd suggest to people that cannot urinate properly at the urinal to wear adult diapers, because in that way you wouldn't need to worry about aiming, and you can pee anywhere - and I mean, anywhere. Then there is that disgusting thing that men do when they are at the urinals - they spit. Why do you have to spit before you pee? Is it because the spitting motion is a password of sorts for the floodgates to open, or does it somehow facilitate the expansion and contraction of your bladder? I don't get why some men have to spit first before they piss, and worse when they miss altogether while spitting. Yes, the spit lands on top of the urinal, and it is disgusting when you are the next in line and you see a gob of spit on top of the urinal. It's second worse to seeing a gob of spit in a water dispenser, that one is just sickening. 

I appreciate a good clean restroom, but I appreciate it more when they make the effort to encourage more accurate aiming. For example, some restrooms have the "fly" in the urinal for you to aim at. You know, every urinal has the picture of a housefly printed on the porcelain for you to aim at, and you can't go wrong if you are aiming at it and trying to drown it in your piss, so to speak. I think it is pretty useful, though it loses its charm after a couple of times trying at it. I remember the urinals and cubicles in my army camp had notices in front of us, all reminding us to aim properly or pay the consequences. But then again, we all have to wash the restrooms anyway, we take turns to do the dirty work every once in a while. But that is not stopping some guys to miss, to spit, to do all sorts of ghastly things at the urinals and inside the cubicles. Once again, I have no idea what goes on in a female restroom, but I suppose only a girl can fill me up on that one. In the mean time, this is what happens in a male restroom, completely from a male perspective. There are unspoken rules that we follow, and things that you just don't do. Others puzzle me to no end, but I suppose some things are never meant to be answered, especially the ones that happen in male restrooms. You just don't question some things, they just - happen.