Castles in the Sky (Special 200th Post Entry)
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Castles in the Sky (Special 200th Post Entry)
Why do you look at me like that?
Is it wrong to talk to myself like that?
Does it seem strange to speak to myself like that?
What's wrong with building castles in the sky like that?
Why do you point at me like that?
Is it wrong to play the king like that?
Does it seem strange to dress myself up like that?
What's wrong with living in castles in the sky like that?
Why do you accuse me like that?
Is it wrong to long for you like that?
Does it seem strange to cut myself up like that?
What's wrong with bleeding over these castles in the sky like that?
Why do you leave me alone like that?
Is it wrong to want you back like that?
Does it seem strange to dream of you like that?
What's wrong with crying over these castles in the sky like that?
When it is only this,that is left like that.
When it is only the best,i can do at that.
When it is only me i loathe like that.
When it is only you i loved like that.
It was Monday,it wasn't cold.It was near midnight,raining summer snow.The trees bent over along the pathway,over our heads as we found ourselves the way.They were like fingers of an old men,the way they hung over us like fingers,though almost like cages.I wonder what it traps,the air below or my thoughts,silently spinning round and round in my head as i followed quietly,behind my friend as we moved along swiftly.
The night water trickled down the sides,the monsoon drain was then black,with the sound of invisible waves crashing towards the sides.We broke out of the clutches of the old men,leaving behind only the singing of crickets and the chorus of nature.It was along the drain,where we walked silently back to camp,far off in the distance shining bright,so careless of the night.
It revealed the shy waves,currents of them as they journeyed down the alley way.The lights in the distance,of lamps and bulk lights,casting white shadows along the river lid by the night.The lights quivered,and the wind was dead.The sound of crickets grew further,only with the desire of came ever stronger.
It was then along that road along the drain,with the rest of the company behind me,did i come up with my castle in the sky.I painted it with words,thoughts for bricks and you the queen.Or princess,or whatever you please.I couldnt talk,i couldnt speak,the boss was right beside and kept urging for speed.I kept silent,with you the only one i talked to.Wasnt it strange,or in a tiny bit pathetic that i spoke to you,though it was really with myself?I learned the word 'schizophrenia' only so long ago,but i've found that word fitting me perfectly so.
A conversation i had,when boybands were good and music taste still bad.Had a talk with my old friends,a talk i cant forget.'Do you talk to yourself?',i remember he asked.'Sure,' i said. 'All the damn time'.He laughed at the idiocy of that,pointed for the rest to see and shouted 'Maniac!'.Timothy to the rescue i remember,calling him back.Said there isnt anything wrong,speaking to yourself like that.
So that Monday night i did just that,speaking to myself like you were there that night.It was strange at first but was clear to see,that it was desire that drove me,not stupidity.It does seem pathetic,and it does seem rather crazy,but what can i do when all you left me was nothing?
I cannot recall,nor can i guess.What i came up with that night,im in a constant state of forget.All i remember is the one thing i wanted to tell you since the day i saw your profile,the mistake that you so obviously made.I laughed at you and the error there,sticking out like a sore thumb,ugly and bare.
So here's the conversation before i forget.I suppose i've forgotten most parts of it,those are not coming back.For whatever it's worth,for whatever that is left.I am writing them down in this entry,so i wont soon forget.
'Daggers.'
'What?'
'You know,what you stab people with.Daggers.'
'I dont think i understand...'
'It's this mistake you made,in your Friendster profile.'
'Mistake?'
'"House of Flying Daggers",not "Dragons".'
'Oh,haha.I never noticed.'
'You know how i notice these stuff.I'm sensitive,you know.'
'Yeah,as usual.Picking on people's mistakes.'
'I done that to you?'
'You just did!'
'Ain't my fault.Just did when i had to do.'
'Ha,whatever.'
'So how have you been?'
'What?'
'How's everything.You and life.'
'Oh,it's been great.I love my school and my course.It's great,really.'
'Yeah,sounds like you enjoyed the new company really much.'
'You know about it?'
'Read about it.'
'You still go to my blog?'
'Once in a while,i guess.'
'Often?'
'Occassionally.'
'Bored?'
'Always.'
'It's nice to know that.'
'Know what?'
'That you still visit.'
'Do you?'
'Not anymore.Not for a long time now.'
'And him?'
'Him?'
'Yeah,you know.Him.'
'Oh,well.He's okay.He's fine,nice.'
'I still think it is rather weird though.Amazing how you made that friend-to-boyfriend transition.Amazing.'
'It's not that hard.'
'It doesnt seem too easy.'
'You get over it.'
'Like you did over me?'
'I'm still trying.'
'Because i hope you are?'
'That is why.'
'Does he treat you good?'
'Not too bad,not too bad.'
'Does he make you laugh?'
'All the time.'
'Good,that's good.'
'Yeah,that's good.He's great.'
'I'm sorry about it.'
'About what?'
'Think i said bad things about you,in so many entries.'
'Ha.Well,i understand...'
'Look,it was my way of getting it out of my head.If i dont get them all down on the monitor i swear it's going to threaten the life that it belongs to sooner or later.'
'I understand,really.'
'I am so sorry.'
'You shouldnt be.It was my fault wasnt it?'
'How is that?'
'I apologised then,in that message?'
'I kept it you know,the message.'
'Really?What for?'
'Remind myself,how stupid i was?'
'Oh,dont think like that.You werent stupid.'
'So i AM stupid?'
'If you want to think that way.'
'Just thought that i need to be reminded that you once knew about it.'
'"It"?'
'Yeah,it.That i liked you.'
'I still know.'
'I know,though you never told me.'
'Told you what?'
'Anything.'
'I didnt have the courage.I had to choose.'
'Well,telling me was basic courtesy.'
'I'm sorry.'
'Dont be.We both did something wrong to each other,something bad.I dont ever want to be sorry anymore.Not to you,not to myself.It pains you,and it pains me for hurting you.'
'That what you want to tell me?'
'I dont know what i want to tell you anymore.'
'Why?'
'I've told them over so many times i guess my mind sort of automatically erased them.'
'Oh,okay.Well,so what do we do?'
'What do we do?'
'Do we say goodbye now?'
'Is the castle not beautiful enough for you,princess?'
'No,it's gorgeous.Really,it is.Wish i had my camera.'
'How about ballet shoes.'
'And ballet shoes.'
'Sketch book and pencil?'
'Sketch book and pencil.'
'So why leave?'
'I cant stay.'
'You can stay.'
'It's a castle.'
'Yeah,a castle.Though it's made up.'
'I have to go,i'll visit.'
'When?'
'Whenever you want.'
'Like the dreams?'
'Like the dreams.'
'That's nice.'
'Isn't it?'
'Visit my castle again,it's rather lonely up in these towers you know.'
'I can imagine.'
'When these walls are build by your own thoughts it's rather hard to keep it intact alone.'
'I wouldnt know about that.'
'Do i sound insane?'
'Insane?'
'Speaking of imaginary castles in the sky with you in it.'
'No,of course not.'
'No?'
'That's why i replied your Friendster messaged in the first place.'
'My camp is around the corner now,i got to go.'
'Guess we both have our lives to lead.'
'Yeah,but yours seem a hell lot better than mine.'
'Does it?'
'Does.'
'Depends on how much you make of it,isnt it?'
'It has never been the same,after you left.I know you wanted,or hoped for things to return to normal,the way things were before we met.But it's so hard to live like that again,without you around.'
'Try,for me?'
'I'm trying.I'm still trying.Give me time,i'm still learning.'
'Guess we have to go separate ways now.'
'Yeah,that's right.Your happy life and my miserable life.'
'Think of me,wouldnt be that bad then.'
'Does that mean you will visit the castle again then?'
'As promised.'
'And that overnight conversation?'
'Will be fulfilled.'
'Good,that's great.Promise?'
'Promise.'
'Hook fingers.'
'Fingers hooked.'
'Night,then.'
'Goodnight.'
Goodnight...
Goodnight...
Goodbye...
Goodnight...
So the gates to the camp opened,and the doors to the castle closed.It vanished into thin air,like the chocolate caste in the chocolate factory.Where Willie Wonka made that beautiful chocolate castle,only for the wrong place and keeping it intact was a hassle.The walls disappeared,and the towers gone.The courtyards empty and you are nowhere to be found.I'm back on my throne,i'm back to being alone.Waiting for you to return,to return the promise that you owe.
Why do you look at me like that?
Is it wrong to talk to myself like that?
Does it seem strange to speak to myself like that?
What's wrong with building castles in the sky like that?
Why do you point at me like that?
Is it wrong to play the king like that?
Does it seem strange to dress myself up like that?
What's wrong with living in castles in the sky like that?
Why do you accuse me like that?
Is it wrong to long for you like that?
Does it seem strange to cut myself up like that?
What's wrong with bleeding over these castles in the sky like that?
Why do you leave me alone like that?
Is it wrong to want you back like that?
Does it seem strange to dream of you like that?
What's wrong with crying over these castles in the sky like that?
When it is only this,that is left like that.
When it is only the best,i can do at that.
When it is only me i loathe like that.
When it is only you i loved like that.
It was Monday,it wasn't cold.It was near midnight,raining summer snow.The trees bent over along the pathway,over our heads as we found ourselves the way.They were like fingers of an old men,the way they hung over us like fingers,though almost like cages.I wonder what it traps,the air below or my thoughts,silently spinning round and round in my head as i followed quietly,behind my friend as we moved along swiftly.
The night water trickled down the sides,the monsoon drain was then black,with the sound of invisible waves crashing towards the sides.We broke out of the clutches of the old men,leaving behind only the singing of crickets and the chorus of nature.It was along the drain,where we walked silently back to camp,far off in the distance shining bright,so careless of the night.
It revealed the shy waves,currents of them as they journeyed down the alley way.The lights in the distance,of lamps and bulk lights,casting white shadows along the river lid by the night.The lights quivered,and the wind was dead.The sound of crickets grew further,only with the desire of came ever stronger.
It was then along that road along the drain,with the rest of the company behind me,did i come up with my castle in the sky.I painted it with words,thoughts for bricks and you the queen.Or princess,or whatever you please.I couldnt talk,i couldnt speak,the boss was right beside and kept urging for speed.I kept silent,with you the only one i talked to.Wasnt it strange,or in a tiny bit pathetic that i spoke to you,though it was really with myself?I learned the word 'schizophrenia' only so long ago,but i've found that word fitting me perfectly so.
A conversation i had,when boybands were good and music taste still bad.Had a talk with my old friends,a talk i cant forget.'Do you talk to yourself?',i remember he asked.'Sure,' i said. 'All the damn time'.He laughed at the idiocy of that,pointed for the rest to see and shouted 'Maniac!'.Timothy to the rescue i remember,calling him back.Said there isnt anything wrong,speaking to yourself like that.
So that Monday night i did just that,speaking to myself like you were there that night.It was strange at first but was clear to see,that it was desire that drove me,not stupidity.It does seem pathetic,and it does seem rather crazy,but what can i do when all you left me was nothing?
I cannot recall,nor can i guess.What i came up with that night,im in a constant state of forget.All i remember is the one thing i wanted to tell you since the day i saw your profile,the mistake that you so obviously made.I laughed at you and the error there,sticking out like a sore thumb,ugly and bare.
So here's the conversation before i forget.I suppose i've forgotten most parts of it,those are not coming back.For whatever it's worth,for whatever that is left.I am writing them down in this entry,so i wont soon forget.
'Daggers.'
'What?'
'You know,what you stab people with.Daggers.'
'I dont think i understand...'
'It's this mistake you made,in your Friendster profile.'
'Mistake?'
'"House of Flying Daggers",not "Dragons".'
'Oh,haha.I never noticed.'
'You know how i notice these stuff.I'm sensitive,you know.'
'Yeah,as usual.Picking on people's mistakes.'
'I done that to you?'
'You just did!'
'Ain't my fault.Just did when i had to do.'
'Ha,whatever.'
'So how have you been?'
'What?'
'How's everything.You and life.'
'Oh,it's been great.I love my school and my course.It's great,really.'
'Yeah,sounds like you enjoyed the new company really much.'
'You know about it?'
'Read about it.'
'You still go to my blog?'
'Once in a while,i guess.'
'Often?'
'Occassionally.'
'Bored?'
'Always.'
'It's nice to know that.'
'Know what?'
'That you still visit.'
'Do you?'
'Not anymore.Not for a long time now.'
'And him?'
'Him?'
'Yeah,you know.Him.'
'Oh,well.He's okay.He's fine,nice.'
'I still think it is rather weird though.Amazing how you made that friend-to-boyfriend transition.Amazing.'
'It's not that hard.'
'It doesnt seem too easy.'
'You get over it.'
'Like you did over me?'
'I'm still trying.'
'Because i hope you are?'
'That is why.'
'Does he treat you good?'
'Not too bad,not too bad.'
'Does he make you laugh?'
'All the time.'
'Good,that's good.'
'Yeah,that's good.He's great.'
'I'm sorry about it.'
'About what?'
'Think i said bad things about you,in so many entries.'
'Ha.Well,i understand...'
'Look,it was my way of getting it out of my head.If i dont get them all down on the monitor i swear it's going to threaten the life that it belongs to sooner or later.'
'I understand,really.'
'I am so sorry.'
'You shouldnt be.It was my fault wasnt it?'
'How is that?'
'I apologised then,in that message?'
'I kept it you know,the message.'
'Really?What for?'
'Remind myself,how stupid i was?'
'Oh,dont think like that.You werent stupid.'
'So i AM stupid?'
'If you want to think that way.'
'Just thought that i need to be reminded that you once knew about it.'
'"It"?'
'Yeah,it.That i liked you.'
'I still know.'
'I know,though you never told me.'
'Told you what?'
'Anything.'
'I didnt have the courage.I had to choose.'
'Well,telling me was basic courtesy.'
'I'm sorry.'
'Dont be.We both did something wrong to each other,something bad.I dont ever want to be sorry anymore.Not to you,not to myself.It pains you,and it pains me for hurting you.'
'That what you want to tell me?'
'I dont know what i want to tell you anymore.'
'Why?'
'I've told them over so many times i guess my mind sort of automatically erased them.'
'Oh,okay.Well,so what do we do?'
'What do we do?'
'Do we say goodbye now?'
'Is the castle not beautiful enough for you,princess?'
'No,it's gorgeous.Really,it is.Wish i had my camera.'
'How about ballet shoes.'
'And ballet shoes.'
'Sketch book and pencil?'
'Sketch book and pencil.'
'So why leave?'
'I cant stay.'
'You can stay.'
'It's a castle.'
'Yeah,a castle.Though it's made up.'
'I have to go,i'll visit.'
'When?'
'Whenever you want.'
'Like the dreams?'
'Like the dreams.'
'That's nice.'
'Isn't it?'
'Visit my castle again,it's rather lonely up in these towers you know.'
'I can imagine.'
'When these walls are build by your own thoughts it's rather hard to keep it intact alone.'
'I wouldnt know about that.'
'Do i sound insane?'
'Insane?'
'Speaking of imaginary castles in the sky with you in it.'
'No,of course not.'
'No?'
'That's why i replied your Friendster messaged in the first place.'
'My camp is around the corner now,i got to go.'
'Guess we both have our lives to lead.'
'Yeah,but yours seem a hell lot better than mine.'
'Does it?'
'Does.'
'Depends on how much you make of it,isnt it?'
'It has never been the same,after you left.I know you wanted,or hoped for things to return to normal,the way things were before we met.But it's so hard to live like that again,without you around.'
'Try,for me?'
'I'm trying.I'm still trying.Give me time,i'm still learning.'
'Guess we have to go separate ways now.'
'Yeah,that's right.Your happy life and my miserable life.'
'Think of me,wouldnt be that bad then.'
'Does that mean you will visit the castle again then?'
'As promised.'
'And that overnight conversation?'
'Will be fulfilled.'
'Good,that's great.Promise?'
'Promise.'
'Hook fingers.'
'Fingers hooked.'
'Night,then.'
'Goodnight.'
Goodnight...
Goodnight...
Goodbye...
Goodnight...
So the gates to the camp opened,and the doors to the castle closed.It vanished into thin air,like the chocolate caste in the chocolate factory.Where Willie Wonka made that beautiful chocolate castle,only for the wrong place and keeping it intact was a hassle.The walls disappeared,and the towers gone.The courtyards empty and you are nowhere to be found.I'm back on my throne,i'm back to being alone.Waiting for you to return,to return the promise that you owe.
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on Sunday, June 25, 2006 at 1:10 AM.
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