In Continuum.

Self-Consciousness

To be in existence in this world,we take up that amount of air in the atmosphere,we take up that amount of space on the face of this earth.But self-consciousness is so much more than,knowing your mere existence,your life in the society and the way it relates to others' lives.It is about self-awareness,a sense of one's personal identity,attitudes,beliefs,and so much more.It is,in a way,not so much of a personal thing,but also how you present yourself to others,to be self-conscious in the consciousness of others.

Ever been in the neighbourhood,early Saturday morning at the end of a hard week's work,going down to the McDonald's to grab a breakfast when you catch the sight of a neighbourhood auntie dressed in her pajamas,slippers and her hair in total disarray,walking around in the wet market?Or that old man on Orchard Road,in plain white singlet and shorts,leather shoes and white socks?Ever seen such people lingering around your daily lives,and wondering just how much worse can the human race get in terms of their ugliness?

Well,these are the people i am chiefly addressing,the ones i am talking about.These people have absolutely no self-conscious,the way they present themselves to the others.I mean,we are not trying to be in any way,vain here.We are simply stating a fact that these people,in a way,should respect the existence of others,and at least dress up for proper occasions.You dont wear pajamas out into the public,like you dont wear lingeries out in town.You dont present yourself at a upper-class party unshaved,with your hair in a mess.You just dont do these sort of things,and similarly your actions,the way you present yourself i must again stress,tell so much about you and your self-consciousness.

In camp,though we are all surrounded by men,i think it is also necessary to be at least self-conscious.It's sort of like a respect for others,by respecting yourself.Im not entirely sure how to explain this though,but you get the picture.

We take this certain individual in camp for example,and let's call him "Road-Kill" for now.Mr. Road-Kill is perhaps the most reckless person i have ever met.In camp he goes around with his hair always standing on ends,pimples threatening to explode any minute upon the slightest touch,like the surface of the moon like John said,only with active volcanos.He goes around with his face unshaven,like Tom Hanks' character from Castaway marooned on a deserted island.Only,he gets to go home every week and has excess to shavers in camp.How ironic,that Tom Hanks' character actually looks more organised and tidy than he.He is perhaps the epitome of untidiness and shamelessness.His tendency to remain unwashed even after outfields is famous enough to be known throughout the company line,and that is of course aside from the fact that in his head,he is a screwed up human being(hardly)on the whole.

With a simple "Whatever lah",he dismisses all comments or advices people give him in regards to his consciousness,and it only gets worse with the days we spend together in camp.I once compared him to a dead corpse with a third degree burn,stuffed in the back of a truck for two weeks straight.On another occasion he was compared to the body of a cat ran over by a truck,and its parts stuck in the wheels of it.Yes,and even with these ghastly analogies they still look way better than the original specimen.

That's one example of a person with the absolute lack of self-consciousness.This has got to do with physical appearances,the way people do not give two shits about the way they present themselves,physically,to others.Just today i came across a rather rare case of self-conscious-lessness.

On the MRT towards town today i was forced to stand next to the door,squeezed up next to a Malay dude reading today's issue of New Paper.Beside us,next to the glass dividers was a couple,happily having a gay time with each other.The girl,a chinese in a purple top and jeans,had her hands all over her boyfriend,who was a Malay,who was at that time in a black T-shirt and tattered jeans.Now,there really isnt anything wrong with that,but you have to understand when you are a girl on a crowded train,and when you are wearing a spaghetti top and having a good time with your boyfriend,please do look around the next time you decide to do such a thing because there are people around you,standing around who might just notice the fact that amidst the touching and rubbing your breasts are actually halfway out of your top.Because that was what happened,as i listened to Coldplay and watched as she made a fool out of herself in front of everybody in that carriage.Im not sure if the lady standing in front of them saw it,but she was looking down at the floor almost too pretentiously,as if she was trying to avoid the sight of something before her eyes.

Like drunkards outside bars and clubs in the wee-hours of the mornings,the way the customers of these bars and clubs stumble out of the entrance,making efforts to walk in straight lines but end up staggering about like students of special schools,with naturally-born faults to their brain's balancing system.The way they stumble around,then collapse to the ground like plastic dolls,sprawled around with their panties greeting the public,is a rather interesting sight.

I swore to myself once,that i will never be put into that kind of circumstances,puking all over myself and others.Respect for myself,and in turn respect for others.Absolute self-consciousness for myself,and to never make a racket in the public like some run-away lunatic from the asylum.Well,at least i havent got breasts to show off to the passengers on the train.At least have a good asset,right?That's the least you can do,and even that decency you have none.Pity,real pity.