In Continuum.

Missed Call

In the middle of this strange Friday night,or rather Saturday morning,i had this rather rare emotional conversation with Corinna.I mean,it's not like we dont usually speak of such topics,but i found myself in one of those positions,when i pour myself out like a helpless hour glass,giving away the sand it owns to gravity,flowing down this narrow opening in the center.I simply gave myself away,like this weak doll in the arms of a little girl,this dying dog by the side of the road,simply helpless.

Like all conversations seem to lead to nowadays,it ultimately led to her once more.Of course,"Proof" by Coldplay in the background sure didnt help my decision making.Because truly,i was in dire need of a decision right away.I told myself,that this is it.If i dont do it by Friday night,im never going to do it again.But delays and more delays,set by myself and no other,it pissed me off that i havent the will i thought i had inside of me.You know,that frustration.Yeah,that's it.It rips you apart.

Let's do a run down on the things i actually had to do during the concert.First of all,i had the camera with me of course.Which means,i had to take photographs of whatever that was happening.Then there are the eyes,which i chose to be the main focus of the concert,in terms of the favoured equipement to capture the moments.Then there are the songs played by my favourite band,and i had to remember the lyrics and sing along with them.Then there are the phone calls,the phone call i made to my not-so-fortunate friends,who werent able to attend the concert this Monday at Indoor Stadium to catch Coldplay.

I tried to call a bunch of people,including Yilin during her favourite song "Yellow".But she hung up,because she thought it was a prank call.Later on,she realised that it was ME who called,and became a suicidal lunatic because she missed the chance to catch Chris Martin sing Yellow live.I tried calling Corinna then too,but she didnt pick that up as well.But i called her later on during the last song,right before "Fix You",so i guess that was okay.I called JiaYing during "Swallow in the Sea",because after all she has been using that same nickname for decades.I figured if that is not her favourite song i dont know what is.

Then,i did the unthinkable halfway through the concert.

I was sitting there when the lights when out for the previous song.Adrenaline still rushing through my veins like a runaway train,still pumped about the previous track(God Put a Smile Upon Your Face),and then the piano came on.A single spotlight came on,and it directed it's focus on Chris Martin,as he sat before the piano alone.The audience cheered,but soon quietened down into a soft murmur,as Chris Martin started playing "The Scientist".It rang a bell,something other than the tune and the lyrics of course.I remembered somebody liking the song,and it was a vague memory but i knew i had to call somebody.

So,i dialed her number.I was questioning myself,debating if i should call or not.And before i came to a conclusive answer,my handphone was already in my hand with her number flashing across the screen.I called her number,and because it was too loud to hear i didnt wait to see if she picked up or not.I put the phone as close to the stage as possible,almost reaching out to Chris' piano,and the song went on.

It stopped,and i hung up.I didnt say anything,nor did i hear her say anything.It was just Chris Martin,and her favourite Coldplay song,and whatever i wanted to say to her,all beautifully woven into that very moment in time.I wasnt sure if she heard it,but deep in my heart,as i desperately tried to forget that anxiousness by jumping up and down in front of my seat to the rest of the concert,i deeply wanted her to hear it.Not just because it was her favourite song done live,but because at that moment,it was what i really wanted to say.What i really wanted her to do,what i wanted to do.

"Oh,let's go back to the start..."

After sending out a message asking if she recieved a phone call,i wonder if it was all yet another stupid act of mine.I felt like this really dumb playwright,writing the most ridiculous plays for the public to watch.I felt like doing the wrongest things all the time,and nobody was there to stop me from doing it.It's like killing yourself because nobody cared,and all you wanted was for somebody to stop you from doing it.Only,before somebody comes along the blade's already into your veins,too deep to sew back,the point of no return.

So i waited and i prayed,im not sure if i was conscious of it.At midnight while busy sorting out the photographs i was so sure that she changed her number,ignored my call,my message,whatever.It didnt matter then,i told myself.It didnt make a difference if she picked up or not,because it wouldnt change a single thing.

In the morning,walking up the little hill before Ren Ci Hospital,i recieved a message,It was a replied,and how delighted i was,as i tried my very best to hide my anxiety.It was,after all,her first message in days,months.It was simple,and nothing fanciful.But then again,everything she said was so beautiful and brilliant in my mind.It wasnt a very long exchange of messages,just four messages in total.It brought back memories,but the fact that she missed my call during the concert was rather saddening...

The conversation conjured up so many old memories,or possible memories waiting to be created.It was a short conversation sure,but afterwards i kept thinking about the possibilities,what if the grass IS greener on the other side.After all,i WAS from the other side of the hill,get what i mean?

Imagine yourself as a greek,living on the side of Mt. Olympus herding sheeps.You have a simple live,sitting under a great tree reading a book all day,while watching over those sheeps grazing on the endless field of green grass.Once in awhile you bring some of your friends over as well,and sitting under the shade of the tree you guys talked till the sun sets and you are ready to bring the sheeps home.It's a simple life,but you wanted more.You moved away from the countryside,leaving the sheeps and your friends,the green field and the great tree behind.

You are now in the city,surrounded by civilisations.Cars busying themselves down the road,and buildings rising up from either side of you,with the sky as the limit.People up and down the streets,horns blared somewhere within the crowd of cabs,a city full of opportunities.

It didnt start out easy for you,the sheperd from the countryside.You didnt have a degree,but you got a job polishing boots at the side of subway stations.Then you slowly grew up,and wisened up as well.You started to like the idea of opening food chains,and soon enough you had your own little shop selling hotdogs at the side of Sixth Street.Then it grew from one shop to three,to ten,then it grew to the next state and so on.

Ten years now,and you are rich.You have a beautiful wife call Suzanne,and two kids named Tristan and Clementine.You love you family,and all of a sudden,amidst all the noise in the world you thought of the sheeps,and you thought of the tree.You thought of the friends and the great tree.You dismissed that idea,thinking that that was the past,and that right now,things are right,things are normal.

A couple of years now,and you are still relatively rich.But still,you wonder about the country where you came from,and now you want to go back to the countryside.You are so tired of all noise in the city,the neon lights buzzing on and off outside your window.The way people crashes into each other just to gain attentions,and despite the heat all around you feel so cold in a crowd.That's how you felt,and you desperately needed the warmth of the sun back home,under the tree amongst the company of fluffy sheeps.

But you cant go back,you tell yourself.You cant go back because it was not normal.But then again,what if things were normal and the life you are living now is not?It only seems normal because you have successfully convinced yourself in believing that everything that happened is what you wanted,is what you needed,and with time they sank into your mind as ordinary normalities.

What im saying,is that im not sure if the no-contact thing is in any way,good for me.I faltered,i admit.I was thinking about adding her back to my contacts.Thinking about the glorious me back then,when i was so glad that i deleted her off my contacts.I thought that could make things right,lift this rock off my chest.But it didnt,but turned into yet another mistake altogether.

I didnt like myself afterwards,the way i never looked forward,or was motivated to do anything anymore.I didnt HATE myself per se,but right now after the Coldplay Concert i wonder what else i have to look forward to.Aside from the weekend breaks every week,what then should i look forward to?Back then,every week end was such an exciting thing because we got to do this little thing called "Talk".It was so simple and yet so satisfying for me.What now,should i look forward to when there isnt any?

I came up with a brainstorm to the pros and cons of adding her back to my contacts.According to Corinna i might just end up like Leonard,which is not a good thing.Of course,she admitted that comparing me to Leonard is rather absurd.After all,i have Taipei 101 levels of sophistication more than that bag of lard.But i guess by 'intruding' into somebody's life,no matter how charming you are,no matter how handsome you are,it doesnt matter,right.An invasion is an invasion,it doesnt make thing any different.

Im still making a decision now,but looking at how things are moving on,i guess i am doomed to stay in the city for a while.In due time i might move back to the country,where the sky is blue and the grass is green.But right now it is the bitterness of reality that has got to bug me for the rest of the year.It doesnt get any better for me here,only worse.But like so many other things in my life,i just have to tell myself that it is normal,that it is okay to feel this way.

But why do we all have to deny our true feelings?Why do we need to convince ourselves something,that's denied by every part of your body?It doesnt make sense,and it doesnt add up.But guess i havent to courage or guts to make that kind of decision.After all,im just a sheperd,and she is the princess.This is not a fucking fairy tale,this is real.In this true story stable boys dont marry the princess,the prince do.We stay here and watch from across the river,hearing the church bells and the pedals of roses floating in the end.A tear shed,a song sang.Then at the end of the day before everything is over,you return to your stable and everything begins all over again...