In Continuum.

The Marriage Line

I think the men in my company has a love/hate relationship with days with Nights Off.Personally,to be absolutely honest,i dont see what the hype is about.Nights Off lasts usually about three hours,or a little more than that if you are lucky enough.Most of the time we wander along the streets of Western Singapore,in malls and restaurants until they are about to close down for the day.That really is the most tragic aspect of Western Singapore,because there are only so many places you can go to on a night like that,and you find yourself trying to squeeze milk out of the rock,thinking about what to do next before you have to book in once again.

Out of extreme boredom,Jonathan,Kenneth and myself headed down to Popular to flip through some books.I hate Popular,and i think it is the worst bookstore ever.You can argue that they sell only "Popular" stuff,which might explain the lack of variety when it comes to books.But i guess that is not an excuse,when you are trying to promote yourself as the most popular bookstore in Singapore.Let's face it,if you take away the stationaries you are nothing but a vessel with an empty hull.

Anyway,so the three of us were at the Non-Fiction section,flipping through horoscope books,checking out who shares the same birthdays as us(I share birthdays with people i dont even know.Who the hell is Joan Davis?).That got a little boring,and we moved on to a book about palm reading,which was really the last resort at first but turned out to be rather enlightening.

The cover of the book was cheese,with the palm reader's photograph right at the front.He was a thin and lean man,with his long hair tied back in a very 1980-ish style tail at the back,and had this almost cunning and "I'm going to cheat your money on this book" look.I know,we shouldnt judge books by it's covers,but with a cover like that you start to wonder if the man is going to crawl out of the cover in the middle of the night and strangle you with that hair of his.He looked menacing enough smiling,and i wonder how he is going to be like in the dark,choking the life out of you.

We were flipping through the pages,while checking out our palms in the middle of Popular when i chanced upon the "Marriage Line" section of the book.I think i remember WanJun mentioning something about this in class once,when we were waiting for a class to start.If i recall correctly,she mentioned something about how she read up,or heard about palm reading,and to tell your fortune with your facial features,something like that.Which is a really odd thing for a girl like herself,but it sure fascinated the lot of us,as we stared at each other,jealous of the wealth somebody is bound to make or the girlfriends/boyfriends we will get.

She mentioned the marriage line before,and that sort of slipped my mind until that night in between the shelves in Popular.The marriage line is the line above the line that cuts from the left side of your right palm to the right.It's at the edge of your palm,usually curling to the back of your hands,just under your pinky.I think the depth,the clarity,and the length of the line is supposed to tell you your devotion to a marriage,and perhaps the length of your marriage as well(The longer the better for some,the shorter the better for most.Haha).

So flipping my right palm up,i checked out my marriage line.Wow,i thought to myself.This is...great!I dont even HAVE a marriage line.I wonder if that's a blessing or not.You know how bachelors are always desperate to get married by the time they are in their thirties,and by the time they are finally married they are always desperately trying to get out of it.There is a saying that every men have affairs in their marriages,and i guess there is no way to prove whether that claim is true or false.But looking at my palm,with the area below my pinky free of any marriage line,i guess i can safely say that i am probably never going to have affairs of any sort,because i am not going to have a marriage in the first place.

Which to some extent,might just be true in my opinion.Perhaps this is coming from a person who has never been in a true relationship before.But honestly speaking,i find it much easier to imagine myself ruling a house all on my own,dictating the colour scheme of the furnitures,the music that plays in the background of the house,or the show that i choose to watch on the television.It's easier to imagine myself living in a house all on my own,than a wife by my side late in the night,and my son cuddling in between the both of us,telling us about the snoring of the great blue monster beneath his bed.Really,i find it a whole lot easier.

I think after a certain age,you no longer look forward to things like marriages,because it is just such a heavy responsibility,such a heavy burden to bear with you.We'd like to think that we are young,we should have our butts tied together so early on in our lives,wouldnt that rid us of our youthfulness,somehow?

I think i am too selfish and self-centred to have a marriage.Or rather,i am too occupied with myself that i'm not even sure if another person's existence in my life is ever going to work out.I wouldnt mind,but then there is always going to be the worry that you are neglecting your partner,know what i mean?I tell my friends when asked if i am attached or not(for some reason they always think that i am.Truth to be told,having a lot of female friends dont exactly mean you are attached),that i am too self-sufficient and occupied to have that kind of recreational activity.

"Good at friendships,bad at intimacy".That is something about myself that i kind of believe,though impossible to prove until somebody comes along(Or decides to come back).They say that the best kind of relationship is one whereby you and your partner are like friends throughout life.That might be true to a certain aspect,but as i hear more stories concerning friends turning into partners in my social circle,i wonder if that stand is still going to hold a couple of years down the road.I wonder how it is possible to know a person for like,five years and suddenly his or her status changes in your life to become a partner.It's weird,dont you think?

So there i was in between the shelves,looking at the blank space under my pinky.I wasnt sure if i should be glad that it's blank,or tell my mother to organise some sort of lament because the only son of the family is going to live his pathetic life without a wife.But it's all a reference,and it's not like you should trust your life on a skinny looking fortune-teller,with his hair tied back and smiling through the cover of the book,as if you are some muffin or cupcake that is about to be eaten.You shouldnt dictate your life just because somebody somewhere tells you that you have one line short on your palm,and therefore you are never going to have a healthy relationship with anyone.Even if you decide to do so,not by somebody like him,please.

Dont worry Corinna,you are not the only one with commitment problems.