In Continuum.

Big Man's Woes

Standing at a daunting height,with a weight hitting close to three digits,he isnt fat.Not at all.He's just big,really big.I remember telling him that there are two types of heavy people.The proportionate ones,and the out of proportions ones.He was the proportionate one,with his weight equally spread out all over his body,making him not fat,but big.Which was okay,in my books.He was merely heavy.He's definitely not the out of proportions type,those are FAT,obese and obscene even.

The first days of Keat Hong Camp,and Ah Chang already gave him the nickname of Lao Da,simply because he looked like the head of a mafia,or a band of gangster.He is dark,and he's not exactly the most friendly person you would want to meet on the street.He is short and hot tempered,and every little thing pisses him off.If there is a scale that measures his ease of blowing up in terms of temper,you'd have to change it a dozen times a day,because the last one flew through the roof.

But despite all the anger,all the temper,all the hate and frustrations over his NS life,the big man has his vulnerabilities.When he flips over to reveal his soft white belly,you find vulnerability written all over as well.I mean,everybody has a patch of our body - or mind - that is soft and white,right?He was no exception of course,though his spot is a little smaller than everybody else's.The routine and boredom of the ending phase of NS was getting to him on Wednesday night,and i found myself sitting next to his bed along with Alphonsus,listening to the woes of this big man we've all grown to know and respect,while he buried his face in his hand and rolled around on his bed,falling into pieces.

'Why is this camp so fucking boring',was what he repeated for a dozen times that night.It started with that,the frustration that was vented out of his mouth,then it grew to the breaking down of his wits and ultimately his pride.The moulds were growing in his - and our - joints,eating them up and then polluting our minds.Each day in camp,with nothing at all to do,we fall into a state of nothingness.The strange thing is,whenever there IS something to do,we are unwilling to do them.It's a very ironic psychological situation which i am unwilling to elaborate further.Besides,that is besides the point.

You know when you are bored,when the moulds are creeping up your back,you are in a state of subconscious depression.At least that happens for me,when i have absolutely nothing to do.I think too much,and that can work for or against you at times.It clearly worked against Lao Da,as he fumbled in bed through the wee hours of the night with the two of us by his side,having boredom take the better of him.And though i tried my very best to encourage him on,i understood where he was coming from and was caught - sad for me to say it - offguard.

Lao Da has always come across as a very matured person.Besides the fact that he is two years older than me,his mentality is that of a man who's probably in his mid thirties,and that is not a bad thing at all.Responsibility is in his blood,and i remember the first year of NS,when he would be cleaning arms straight after outfield with his dirty clothes still on and camo-cream still on his face while everybody else paced the corridors half naked,wrapped only in a towel with their arms heavily burdened with shampoos and bathing foams.The truth is,he gets things done,and he's the kind of guy who you'd want to hire in your company,provided it does not include anything that involves group projects and stupid individuals.He is rather anal about those people,like me.

When it comes to relationships however,this mobster crumbles and burns.It's not about his qualities that denies him of a good relationship,or his relationship with his female friends.Because in truth,it is not like he doesnt have any closer female friends,or the shortage of females at all.But it is the direction in which he is looking for a partner.It is not wrong per se,but i must say that at the initial stage of any relationship,you do not look in that direction,because it is simply unattainable.

He doesnt look for a girlfriend,he looks for a wife.And as he buried his face in his palms,he mumbled to himself when the wife is ever going to come along.As much as i agree that relationships shouldnt be treated like a fling,that you are in one because you want to have a girlfriend,feel her hands in your crotch and then dump her by the side of the road because you've had enough of that adrenaline rush,that temporary satisfaction,like a certain individual in my dearest's life.He looks for a wife,and as much as i think that's a very matured way of looking for a partner,i think that is highly unlikely.I mean,how do you know a girl is 'wife' material the first time you meet her?

He doesnt believe in dates,thinking them as a parades of fabrication.He thinks that,by going on dates you try to put up a good image.You speak less vulgar perhaps,you try to be a gentleman.You try to speak of things that would appeal,and you are more careful of your actions.Sure that is what you should be doing,but he thinks that that is not who he is,that if the girl falls for who he is on the dates,then she is not falling for him for who he is,but the person he tried to be during the date.So what's the point of dating,he asked me later on.

I guess it depends on your definiton of the word 'dating'.To him,he seems more like an avenue to find a partner,a potential female in a relationship.Whereas for me,a date can be day out with a close friend of mine.A date is just a day set aside for a more intimate meeting with somebody to me.But to him it is a lot more than that.Which makes the term 'dating' a very formal,very serious term,which is to me,absolutely unnecessary.I mean,dating can be such a casual and comfortable thing.You dont need to burden yourself,just because the person sitting opposite the table is a potential partner.Even now,when i am sitting across the table from her,i do not feel that i need to come up with any conversational topics,or to feel awkward when we are in a sort of silence.Because the both of us have the ability to speak without speaking,and i think that is the most important aspect in a relationship: To be comfortable and to communicate without the effort of trying.

I've come to learn that being comfortable is everything.To lie on a bed with somebody and not say anything for a long time,is being comfortable with somebody.I was telling that to my mother on the car today,as she drove me back home from camp,while trying desperately to see through the walls of rain before the windscreen.I was on the verge of telling her of my relationship,but thought better of it in the end.Besides,i've already told myself to tell her only if she asks of it,and she didnt.But anyway,i was telling her about my views on relationships,and his problems.She mentioned that when it happens it happens,and she asked me if i thought somebody like my dad is ever going to get a wife,say he was never married.

A very good point,mom.

But anyway,it's true.When it happens it happens.My aunt married at the age of 35,to a man whom she admired as a writer and artist.Even if nobody can tolerate my sister's oddities now,i am sure some time in her life,some guy is going to be able to have the charm to accept her for who she is - pms or not - and embrace her for her.So dude,i understand that it can be very agonizing waiting for somebody right to come along.I understand what you said,when you mentioned that since you cant even take care of yourself,you dont have the confidence to take care of others.As a person who has just started in his own relationship with the most wonderful woman,i can tell you that we are all plagued with the same fear,provided you are sensible enough.There is always a fear of not being able to satisfy your partner,that you are not good enough.But like i told her,i am going to tell you now.That though nobody can promise a grand,fancy future,you can always promise a grand and fancy effort.After all,the effort can be promised,the result though however questionable,doesnt matter anymore.

Because everybody is liked by somebody.Even Martin,even See Hwee.

Even you.

Even me.