In Continuum.

But Otherwise

"Nobody should feel different because they do not feel special,but otherwise..."

--- Mom

*

She was wired to the weather system today,that i am certain.Because i remember the cold Coffee Bean,when the glass door opened and the air-conditioning smacked me in the face like a wall of ice cubes.My cup of Cafe Latte was shaking in my hands when i pushed my way out of the glass door,already fogging up now.The sky was cloudy,just like the mood she was in when she nudged me online.I didnt notice it then,how the weather reflected her emotions so readily and so accurately.Ten minutes,she told me.And i waited,sipping quietly on my coffee.

She came ten minutes later,a gust of wind came and went.Her little white figure appeared at the end of the Beans,and came towards me with a gloom on her face.I stood up suddenly,and she wondered what was happening.Without saying anything,i gave her a hug so tight i almost felt her heart beat.'It's been a while,' i said,and smiled.

You've been missed dearly,my pint-sized girl.

*

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

*

I was the nervous little kid in class.Thin and small,weak in the arms,i remember sitting in the corner right next to the front door,shivering like a Chi Hua Hua whenever the class entered.There was an impending fear,but i didnt know what it was.It was there,lingering around me like the smell of a somebody's awful fart.Something was about to happen,like the sixth sense inside my head kicking in.I knew it was coming,but what was it?What was it?Oh,the suspence was killing me.

A shadow came through the door,the big boss.I recognised his scent,that awful smell of dread,mingled with a tad bit of sweat and most of all: Hate.A hand reached in,grabbed my pencil box and walked off.I spunned around,pulled at his shirt,only to be slapped in the arm and pushed back into my chair.I saw my pencil box flying to the other side of the room,i heard giggles coming from all directions,as if something funny was going on.Which aspect of this amuses you?Which?

It was passed between the tables,and i stupidly followed from one table to the next.Even the nicer population of the class passed it on,because they didnt want to be the loser,not the Mr. Nice Guy who gives the pencil box back to the target.They passed it on,smiled at me and mouthed "I'm sorry".I felt sorry for them,those witless worm succumbing to peer pressure.Scum.

Helplessly,i returned to my seat in the corner.Without a pencil i couldnt work,and i stoned for the first half of the class.I remember trying to remember what the teacher said,since i wasnt able to jot any notes down.I heard giggles,and the building up of anticipation.Something was about to happen again,something awful.

My pencil box came sailing through the air and hit the back of my head straight on.A roar of laughter from the back of the class,shoulders were slapped for a good work,people sneered and jeered,i remained seated and cried under the shelter of my fingers.

Why are you guys picking on me?I thought to myself over and over.The teacher didnt notice,asked the class to quieten down.I was in the corner,nobody noticed me.Nobody but the bullies in class,the gang of dreadful bastards.There i was,asking myself what made me so special,what have i done to deserve this kind of treatment.

But i am not special!I screamed in my head.

I am not special!

*

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

*

I had my hands in my shirt,it was freezing cold.Across the table from me was my favourite pint-sized girl.I dont even remember the last time i saw her.She's slimmer now,or thinner to be exact.The word 'slimmer' seems to have a positive feel,while 'thinner' has a negative one.And i was sure the reason for her change was a happy one.She sat across from me,almost frail and tired,but still giving her million-watt smile.It was then,when i realised just how much i have neglected my friends,neglected her.I missed her so much,i swear if it wasnt for my flu i wouldve hugged her till she melted.

We talked,there was a breakdown.It was that time of the year i guess,it happens all the time.People crumble,people burn.People calls out for help,people killing themselves.I've never seen her cry buckets,and she didnt,but she was so obviously different today,different from the usual self.I remember her as the girl bursting through doors and then yelling your name from the other side of the room.I remember her as the voice from four storeys down,calling out Bernice's name and waving vigorously at her.I remember her as the small,and strong girl all at the same time.But today,with her chin on her knees,the rain falling down all around us,she looked somewhat different.So much more fragile,as if she'd fall apart if i touched her once more.

I havent seen her like that before,and it was quite a shock for me.But as the rain kept falling,our words kept on flowing.And i found myself seeing the old friend i know,calling out for help through those sad eyes of hers.Why dont you feel special,why dont you feel special?

*

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

*

My black pen was gone.My new black pen was gone.

Smashed,everything just was.The pens inside were unscrewed,some of them were smashed.The side of the pencil box was stained by blue ink from the broken tube inside a ball point.The ruler was broken into half,and the set of black pens my mother bought for me only days earlier for art classes,laid inside the remnants of my stationaries,broken and shattered.

Everybody left,laughing and giving stares.That look they gave,as if they had a secret to hide.They mustve known where my black pen was.Where is my black pen?i shouted.But i was ignored,with the lights turned off.It was getting late,my mother was waiting outside.The fans slowed down to a stop,the lights went out.I remained behind,looking everywhere for my black pen,the one my mother just bought for me,the brand new pen.I looked above the cupboards,under tables and behind them.Nowhere to be found,i thought.Nowhere.

And as i did so i secretly prayed for the pen to appear,even if it is in an obvious place i just want to find it.I needed to,because it was from my mother,she bought it for me.She bought it for me.I needed to find it.I had to.

But all i found was the black cap,and the tears that fell as i was alone in the classroom.Why were they so evil,i thought to myself.What did i do to deserve this?I looked around the school,everything was silent.It was only me in the rows of classrooms now,the noise disappeared around corners.Alone in the classroom,i just needed somebody to be there,i needed somebody.Somebody to tell me that i shouldnt feel different because i was not special,but otherwise.

But otherwise...

*

She's running out again
She's running
She runs runs runs runs...
runs...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

*

It's true,and i am not even saying this to make you feel better about yourself today.When you said you felt inferior to the girls you mentioned,that you werent special,i felt like screaming at you and knock some sense into you.It's like having the image that you had of a person shatter,because he or she doesnt believe in him or herself,when you on the other hand,do.There was in the rain with her,now drizzling and following the rise and fall of her emotions,as we paced towards the bus stop to wait for the bus.

I said this when i was with you,but i am going to say it again.I've had phases,we all have phases,in life.I remember a Secondary School teacher telling me the friends i made in school were merely passengers on the bus you are driving.You arrive at this stop,and this bunch of people get on.You reach the next stop,these people arent going to be with you until the very end.These people are going to go their own ways,separated and never looking back,never to be sentimental,always being the hopeless romantic.

I believed him,i really did.So many people came into my life and went.Some were the ones that mattered and some didnt.Some came and gave me an imaginary slap across the face,while others came and told me that there is still good in this world and it is worth smiling for.But they all left,they all left me on the bus,as i drove down the road of life on my own,all alone.

But it is not true Mr. Han.Not true.Your theory was wrong,because people mean something to people.People miss something in everyone.And people do not treat each other as mere passengers on a bus.The truly special ones remain,the truly special ones stay.And no matter how far you drive down the road,they are going to stay with you,they are going to direct you,and THEY mean something.What do you say to that?What do you say to that?

I've had friends in Primary school,but after PSLE we all drifted apart.Due to the school differences,creative differences,whatever.People left,and i remember finding myself all alone in my new Secondary School,braving the bullies in school and eventually,creating my own circle of friends and rising out from the ashes of death.I remember going on to JC after the Os,and the same bunch of friends drifted off.Some went to the US,some went to Australia.The others never looked back,some gave you a cold shoulder.

But some remains,Mr. Han.Some are special.YOU are special,my favourite Gemini,Pint-Sized Girl,Door Girl,Bitch.You are so special that,i dont even think you are going to believe it when i say it.That's the problem - like i said - with funny people.They almost never take you seriously.But i dont really care right now if you dont believe a word i am saying,i dont care.I just want you to read,and know that for a fact,that if you remained with me after JC,and through my NS life and we are still having spontaneous coffee session on a rainy day on a Monday afternoon,you are you and more than just special.You are that,and so much more.

Listen,when i say this.If i took the chance to believe in you,dont tell me that i took it for nothing.Dont tell me you are not special,and that you seem inferior to everybody else.

Because at least there is one person - at least there's me - who thinks otherwise.

*

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...