In Continuum.

The Silver Puppet

Craig Schwartz,"You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls."
Maxine,"You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!"

--- Being John Malkovich (1999)

How incredibly small the world is!You might not feel it,but i know the world isnt as massive as you might think it is.Sure,it puts forward some really astronomical numbers,almost biblical ones too.With a circumference of 40,041.47 km,surface area of 510,065,600 km²,volume of 1.083 207 3×1012 km³,mass and density of 5.9742×1024 kg and 5,515.3 kg/m³ respectively,it is not hard to look at the clear blue sky and imagine it curving into the horizon,imagining yourself on the inside of a big basketball,or something like that.The Earth is big,but the World is small.

That thought was further confirmed when i first met a dear friend of mine from two years ago if i am not mistakened.She was from the forums,and is so secretive about her identity that i still dont know her real name yet.I've never seen her,and if i hadnt been observant enough i wouldnt have known her sex as well,because she refused to tell people even that.She was secretive online,telling people about what happened in her life,but not so much about who she is and how she looks like.I guess we all have secrets,and though i remember being frustrated about how she wanted so desperately to lock herself in her own secret garden with the rest of the world outside,i am all right staying outside the fences.After all,it seems to be a lot better here,anyway.

So,she so happened to be a teacher in my Secondary School.Not one of those old hags of course,but a part-time teacher straight out of Poly with a Diploma.She knew my old Home-Econs teacher in school,and catch this:She was the classmate of my Taiwanese neighbour living on the 14th floor,whose dad is my father's close friend,whom we have known for years.I know it is a rather long and complicated relationship,but it is just interesting how people are linked like that,in the most unexpected ways.

But anyway,this entry is not going to be an autobiography of her of course.After all,why the hell should i do so?I know almost nothing about her,save for the stories she has told me.I dont even know how she looks like,and that's rather hard to begin with,dont you think?

For some reason,she dropped by a message the other day while i was in camp.It was one of those cheesy fowarded messages sure,but because it stated how Friendships are better than Relationships,i was compelling to reply to her that it was a rather discouraging message to send to a person after just starting on one relationship himself.So we talked about relationships,how she correctly guessed that the person came from the forums and her nickname,and of course her own relationship-related problems,which must have been why she sent that message in the first place.

I dont understand how people are capable of engaging in a relationship with pure physical attraction to one another.It is almost like prostitution without the money involved at the end of the day on the dresser,dont you think?The way the man takes you out at night,tells you that he loves you for the sake of doing so,rent a hotel room and fucks you inside.He leaves either at night or in the morning,life goes on for the both of you until one of the couple gets horny again.How is that kind of relationship,which is purely based on physical attraction,sustainable?

That was the problem she was facing then,when she told me about her own relationship.I told her that if she told me about it say,a couple of months ago,i wouldve freaked and told her that it was such a uncultured,classless thing to do.But now that i think about it,my birthday passing by quietly five months ago and my own relationship to deal with,i told her how i wouldve freaked out and didnt.This sort of things happen i guess,especially with people of her age(She's probably going towards her mid-twenties if i am not wrong).But if someone at sixteen actually told me that,i wouldve freaked,twenty years old or forty years old.Well,that is of course with the exception of Bapoh,the sex machine of my platoon.In fact,he has had sex with so many women,i dont think he can count them all out at once.It's not really about the sheer number,but simply because he is too dumb to count anyway.

She was upset over the relationship,and yet remaining in a very secured and contented state.She's always wanted to be emotionally involved with the partner of hers and yet,she never was able to do so.Despite being physically involved,the guy never opened up to her,the way she hoped he would.And i am not sure why she is in love with that guy now,but for whatever reasons,i told her to be realistic about the relationship.With a relationship that survives on pure physical contact,i dont think anything deeper than the skin is even possible between the two.Let's admit it,i dont think she likes him because of him,but rather the idea of him.The thought of him comforts her,and as long as she has him with her,she was satisfied.

I wanted to grab her by the throat and shake some sense into her.But i guess people at her age,and her ability to beat a horse to drinking a mouthful of water at the river when it doesnt want to is considerable,i didnt try to do so.It was her problem and her business,and i guess the most i could do was to tell her what i wouldve done,or to be realistic about everything.

I told her,i remember,not to be a victim of herself.You know,falling victim to your own minor satisfactions,and then hanging by a moment in your life,not moving forward.In fact,i think because of her stubborn emotions towards this sex partner,she's moving backwards somehow.I dont know,is it enough to know that that person is here,even if he is never emotionally involved with you,but only in bed?How many of us actually does it for that pure innocent love for each other,and how many did it because of curiosity and blinded passion?I dont think,to be truthful,that she is being totally honest with herself,the way she is treating the guy and vice versa.I think the saddest kind if sad is the kind of sad that pretends not to be sad,and i think she is doing exactly that,telling herself that as long as he is in an arm's length away,then everything is okay.I hate to say this but,i've always thought you are worthy of a better word,but stop being so naive girl,and walk right out of this moment hanging by a balance.Sooner or later,something is going to tip and you are going to feel that empty,dull pain in your chest.Yeah,i've felt it before.And it sucks,literally and figuratively.

You are like a puppet,puppet on strings.The puppeteer feels the urge to play with you tonight,and he does.He takes you off your shelves,dust you off a little bit and then puts you through fake paper curtains he made,the wooden stage he made from a dozen boxes of matchsticks,and the tape of the audience's applause from the background.A soft orchestra music plays,and he plays with you.He makes you dance,he makes you weep,he makes you sing and he makes you crawl.And at the end of the play,he takes you out of the matchstick stage,shoves you back onto the dusty shelf and turns off the light in the room.

Dont be a victim of yourself,my favourite silver puppet.You have the scissors in your hand,and the hooks at the end of the strings are digging deep.But you have a choice,to cut through those strings and be rid of the puppeteer.This is no fairy tale,and wooden toys dont turn into real boys after meeting the Blue Fairy.But you are real,and everything else is too.You are here,and that is all that matters.