In Continuum.

About Schmidt

Warren Schmidt,"I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?"

--- About Schmidt (2002)

*

I remember it clearly,four years ago at Lido theatres.The three of us were standing around at the end of the line leading towards the box office,with the slot for the DareDevil timing full and the rest being unsuitable.So we were caught in a rather serious dilemma: To watch a summer blockbuster simply because it is a summer blockbuster,or to watch an arthouse movie and be spiritually motivated.Time was of course against us,so we chose to watch Jack Nicholson's About Schmidt instead.After all,anything with Jack Nicholson cant go wrong,right?(The only Jack Nicholson movie i've watched and felt totally cheated was probably the one with him turning into a werewolf).

So the story goes like this: Warren Schmidt just retired from a major insurance company after working for it,for the better part of his life.When his wife sudden dies weeks before his daughter's wedding,Warren goes on a roadtrip in his motor home to visit his daughter and help her with the preparations with the wedding.But in truth,with Jeannie being the only next of kin left to Warren,he desperately wanted to right the wrongs in his life - since he never got the chance to do so with his wife - by convincing her that marrying Randall is the wrongest decision of her life.All Warren wanted really,was to make some sort of difference,or impact in somebody's life in one way or another.Was it to redeem himself?Save his only daughter from a potentially disastrous marriage?Or simply because he saw the insignificance of himself and his life upon somebody else's?

I remember watching the movie,with thoughts of old age and differences going into my head,and felt glad that i actually chose this movie over DareDevil(Which turned out to be utter trash,after watching it on Star Movies or HBO.Really,the storyline was pure cheese,with a blind hero running around with a stick literally).Of course,back then i was merely sixteen years old,what do i know about the fear of aging?I could only imagine the degradation of a man,along with his self-esteem,as he passes a certain point of his life,and be consumed by self guilt and regrets.

*

The beach is different at night.The beach is somewhat different with you around instead of the past,when i visited the beach at night only because of a barbeque that lasted longer than it should,or the trips to the edge of the shore,dumping people into the sea and spoiling their handphones.I never took a stroll down the edge of the beach,or sit around and talk about life with anybody ever before.So yesterday night was a first time for me,as i sat with the sand sticking to the bottom of my jeans and the waves crashing quietly onto the sandy shores,the stars flickering in the sky and the artificial ones blinking in the distance,the busy lights of cruises and boats.

The sky is vast,like really vast.If you imagine and bend you mind just a little bit,you could almost see the sky curving at the top of your head,and you are in a hemisphere of sorts,with the sky ending in the horizon.If you can see the sky in this way,instead of a flat screen above our heads,then you can truly appreciate just how small we really are.

There is a video i saw on youtube.com,with a computer animated realization of how it would be like to zoom in on the neutron of a atom inside a leave,all the way from the outer reaches of the universe.So it starts out amongst the stars,slowly closing in on the milky way,the galaxy of stars all around you.Then the sun appears as a tiny white dot in the centre,sun being the brightest of all stars in that frame.Then it closes in somemore,and we go past Uranus,Jupiter,and into the orbit of Earth.We zoom in somemore,and we see North America,with fluffy white clouds interrupting the view from the top.Then like Google Earth,it zooms into a town in Florida,and then it goes on somemore until we see tiny buildings and streets,little fields and cars.We zoom into a garden,then into a leave.We see the stomatas,then slowly into the cells,and into the atoms.We end the journy at the core of the atom,past the electrons and then to the neutron itself.Can you picture this going on in your head?Humans are somewhere at the lower end of the video in terms of size.Because really,though you can compare yourself to the electrons and everything else,i think humans are in essence so bloody small compared to everything else.Universe is,after all,expanding at the speed of light.Can you comprehend just how vast the universe is,how BIG it really is?

I dont think anyone can,and there is an underlying fear for anything in a human life that goes on endlessly,the infinity of anything scares the wits out of most people.Let's admit me,when you strip it down and examine it close,the idea of eternal life isnt as attractive as it once seemed.Because the only way you are going to enjoy it is to have a hell lot of money,and your friends and families also living an eternal life.But that is impossible,because as long as people keep having sex,the population is going to explode and in fifty years' time,because people are immortal now,the population will never decrease in any way,sinking the continent of North and South America.Of course,that is just a theory and still in a rather immature stage of speculations.But just think of it,everybody on Earth being immortal,living forever.Yeah,it is a rather scary thought isnt it?

A little science lesson now.Let's say the age of Earth is the length of your index finger,and the length of time the dinosaurs ruled the Earth is the length of your fingernail,then the age of mankind on this Earth - anything from now till the first appearance of homosapiens - is merely the length of your fingernail that grew in the last second.The truth is,humans are in ourselves,insignificant.To life,to time,to nature.Everything around us is so much greater,bigger and more fascinating than us.We are so temporary in this fleeting world around us,where everything is changing and at the same time,remaining stagnant because it is so slow.

So if we are so bloody puny,if we are such insignificant creatures,why the hell do we exist?I think the animals are blessed in a way,because they dont have a conscience.They do not need to worry about the reason of their existence,they do not think about just how vast the world is in relative to themselves.They need to worry about food,and they need to worry about water.And when it is THAT time of the year,find a mate and mate.That's the way animals work,they do not delve into anything existential,unlike humans.Humans have too much time on our hands,and thus we come up with philosophies and theories to keep our brain working,because if not then there is nothing worthy living for,is there?

I see it every day,when i lift my eyes to the sky.I see the greatness of this world,how there might be other life out there,staring at us and wondering the same question:Is there anybody out there?I wonder the same questions all the time,and then i wonder just why the hell i exist in this world of mine,if my existence mean anything.Of course,people can always advice and say that religion is the answer to all questions.But let's be logical and sensible here.I've never believed religion to be the answer to everything.It is a belief created by humans to be like a comfortable cup of coffee that calms you down when you are panicked,or when you merely want a warm hug and there is nobody around.Not to explain why we are here,we the universe exists and why nothing matters because we are so insignificant.

*

The death of Warren Schmidt's wife clearly made him see that point.Death,can come and go in one's life,be it taking away somebody else's life or yours.Humans have no control over these things,and it scared the living daylights out of him.I wouldve felt the same i imagine,wanting desperately to right the wrongs in my life,and wanting to make a difference and impact in somebody's life,whatever it is,as long as it is for the ultimate good.I understood his struggles,and i saw his problems,and i very much related to him(The only reason why i didnt buy the DVD is because Kathy Bates showed her large,old and saggy breasts in the movie).

I think it is true,what Celine said in Before Sunrise."Isnt everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?" was what she said.I think when humans are that tiny,that microscopic and that little,we want to know that despite being so,we have control over something,anything.And if it means that we want to love and be loved by somebody,then so be it.Because humans in nature are so desperate for attention and recognition,we want to know that our deaths meant something ultimately,that we are not forgotten in the lives of the people still living,that we are remembered and thought of from time to time.

But that's so hard,isnt it?How much impact do you expect to make in somebody's life?We are not meteors and people are not the surface of moons.We do not merely crash into their lives and expect to create a crater.It is easier said than done,to say that i have made an impact on somebody's life,and be glad that my existence actually meant something.Because by raping a ten year old girl you are making an impact in her life as well.Is that justified then?Does it make it right?

Personally,like i said before,the idea of infinity scares me.I think that explains that horrific dream that i had,that recurring nightmare of mine.I remember telling the readers here about it,and admitting that while i am awake,thinking about the dream makes it rather stupid and almost ridiculous.It's that junkyard dream i mentioned,with the floating piece of metal expanding seizelessly and scaring the hell out of me.It is not the metal - i realised - but the infinity.It scared me,and it still does in all aspects of my life.

I see the insignicance in mankind and myself.What difference am i going to make ten,twenty years down the road?Is the world,going to be better in any way,because of me?I dont know,and it is not like donating to Amnesty International or GreenPeace is going to make a difference.Sure,you provide for a meal or two,to some unknown child in Sudan without a name.But what difference does THAT make,then?You do not eradicate poverty,people are still raping and killing each other because of civil war,and famine is still very much a problem,and we are not even touching on AIDS yet.

The most we can do,the most i can do,is to make impacts on the people around me,simply because they are AROUND me,and not across the Indian Ocean in another continent.At least everything is in my control,and i know what i can do to save somebody,to fix him or her.I guess i see myself as an old man,with white hair and a bowed back.It scares me to think of him,but i guess something like that is inevitable.I imagine myself sitting in a room thirty,or forty years from now in a worn out sofa,wondering what differences have i made to somebody's life,and if my own life was fulfilling and well lived out because of that.Because like the quote from the book Tuck Everlasting,"Don't be afraid of death.Be afraid of the unlived life".That is true,that is so very true.

In forty years time,i am going to see myself in the mirror,the cracks in my face and the loose skin.I am going to weep for my old age,but be glad that some time forty years ago,on a beach in the middle of the night,with shadows in the distance and the sound of waves crashing and retreating quietly into the night,a girl whispered her thanks into my ears and told her how much of a difference i have made,that i have fixed her in so many aspects of her life.I remember being touched,not because she changed me but because i changed her,because subconsciously i made a difference,and i made an impact,and i was glad.I was glad,and it didnt matter anymore then,forty years later,if i am going to die a sudden death and collapse in the middle of the living room.Because i know,i am not afraid of death then,not anymore.Neither am i going to be daunted by the unlived life,because yesterday night alone,i know and i see,that i have lived my life,because i made somebody else live hers.

*

Warren Schmidt arrives home from his road trip.Nothing was changed,the wedding went on as usual,and without him.His wife was still dead,and he made no change to anybody's life,not even the fact that he forgave his wife for having an affair so long ago.He opens the door,the pile of letters on the door mat.He collected them and opened the envelopes one by one in the study.

An odd letter caught his eyes,bordered by red and blue checkered design,a letter from African.It was a letter from a nun,the head of an orphanage in Africa(A country i forgot),and it was to inform him that his foster child,Ndugu,has benefited a lot from his month monetary aid.That Warren's money has made a dramatic change to a child's life,providing him with food and education.A picture was attached to the letter,alongside a drawing of the little African boy holding Warren's hand in the blistering sun in crayon.

Warren looked at the picture,then the letter once more.His face crumbled,the wrinkles deepend.He smiled,the life of his flashed before his eyes.What change?What differences?What impacts?Everything answered in that letter all the way across the Atlantic,and there it was right in front of him,the life of a child changed because of him,and he barely even knows the kid.

He wept,and he wept for the first time after his wife's death and the helplessness he felt at his daughter's wedding.He wept,and the movie ends with a black screen and a hole in the audience's hearts,deep and true,resonating the signal and cue to do something in our lives,by changing something in everybody else's.

*

[Warren is on top of the motor home under a starry night]
Warren Schmidt,"Helen, what did you really think of me, deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed and too nice to show it? I forgive you for Ray. I forgive you. That was a long time ago, and I know I wasn't always the king of kings. I let you down. I'm sorry, Helen. Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me?"
[a shooting star passes by]