In Continuum.

Stale

What a week it has been,the way emotions flew around the walls of my rooms,over silences over the phone and then turned a hundred and eighty degrees in the opposite directions on the weekends when the peace of my mind was all of a sudden,dominated by roaring laughter and cheering,endless chattering and then followed by soft silent birthday wishes,the goodbyes and all the farewells.It has been a hell of a week almost literally,and now at the end of it and the beginning of another,i feel a little drained and everything is stale.Like a warm coffee turned cold,or a morning toast lukewarm.The sensation of bread crumbs over your tongue,the smell and taste of it no longer interesting you,because everything was drained and leaked away into the depths of one's emotional gutter.Yeah,that is me right now.Half dead and barely alive,breathing through a tube connected to an oxygen tank hardly living,clinging on to a little light,a small glimmer of hope while bleeding to death profusely out of the hole in my heart.

Let's see how the last week when,despite being absolutely unwilling to go into details.I must admit that the strength of the fingers around my neck - the invisible ones - caused me to suffocate greatly.Succumbing to doubts,to pain,to anguish and almost to hate,i realised the deeper,darker end of magic.It has always been a balance of the universe i believed in,with light there is dark,with beauty there is the ugly.Balance,and always the balance.But ignorance took over,excuses we make and tell to ourselves just so that the veil between the balance can be drawn.We make those excuses because the downside overthrows the upside,the dark overthrows the light almost all the time.It is always easier to fall down then to be lifted,to be broken down than to be pieced together,and people are usually unwilling to accept it as a fact.

I didnt,and look what happened to me.Down in the pits of hell with my face buried in my hands,body shaking uncontrollably to the fear creeping up my chest and filling the veins all around my body.I remember trembling so hard it was hard to type,or hold a glass of water,the cold water feeling warm against my chilly palms.It must have been the shock,for no tears fell that night,and not even now.There were so much doubt in this one week,so much fear that i never have actually experienced it before.I remember wanting to collapse,and i did,into the arms of another and just fall into pieces.Because it gets tiring,so tiring to stay together and be strong for somebody else,or to make the supposedly right decisions in the process.I acknowledge,and i understand that at times we have to put away our emotions and feelings,and view issues objectively and with rationality.But how is that possible with those cold hands and that shivering body?I was unable to think,unable to breathe almost,and a part of me died when the vehicle of emotions crashed into me,sending me to the side of the road,drilling a hole in my heart and left me to die.

At the end of the week were a series of escapes.Escapes to la-la land and never to think of the emotional roller-coasters that i took throughout the week.I must admit that in a way,it was a form of cowardice almost,to be immersed in that sea of noise and chatter,then running away from your own problems.But i knew for one thing that it was temporary,that reality will set in the moment i leave those parties.I knew all those,so i guess it didnt make it look that bad after all.As much as i dreaded going to those parties,meeting people i hardly knew and the pretending that i was,in every way,delighted to meet them,i must say that the comfort of strangers worked for me right then,to be absolutely innocent of your background and not being judgmental,to tell me what i should or should not have done.Doubts were at the back of my mind,doubts twirled and disappeared with the smoke that rose from the distinguished candles.Doubts went out of the door into the rain,flowed into the gutters at the side of the roads and swiftly out to sea.Doubts,were non-existent at the end of the week,doubts rested,and went soundly to sleep.

So with a week like that,one should expect the coming Monday to be like,today.The movies i tried to watch,the food i tried to taste and the drinks i tried to drink,all of them infiltrated my body in numerous different ways,uneventful.Whatever happened to the excitement,the jumping-around and the longing for a good movie,or a good book,great food?I wonder what happened to those,how the trough of a wave always makes the passengers of the sinking boat feel heavy.You know,after the carts of a roller-coaster comes down from a crescendo,you feel heavy with weight,burdened with pressure in your stomach and shoulders until you forget the sensation of the wind against your face,or the beating of your heart so fast against your chest and even the screaming vocal chord.You feel nothing,but only the weight.Oh,always the weight.So heavy,on your shoulders and most of all,your heart.

I can't believe i couldnt sit through two movies today.I finally did for one,and i found myself eating chocolate muffins and drinking a distasteful orange soda from Japan.Whatever happened to my everyday plans,the life i had on weekends months ago while i was still in NS.The driving test is a few months away,and in between that the fear of staleness dominating.I fear for myself,fear for the continuation of this feeling,fear that it might overwhelm me.Depression is a growing emotion,only placed to sleep because of the crescendo of my other emotions.But once everything settles,once you are calmed enough to face to music,the heaving of the notes through the air,you find yourself being overwhelmed by emotions that you truly wanted to feel,or should have felt that the very moment when you are at the crest of the wave,at the top of the world and the looking down at your impending doom below.

I am,still trying to accept that i have accepted it.And to tell you the truth,this might not even be the true emotions that i am going through right now,but typing it for the sake of doing so because this might be my only avenue to release this threatening fear and doubt in me.I know that i have whispered into your ears those words of trust,of doubtlessness,but i dont trust myself anymore to trust those words that i sputtered.Who is the real me?The person breathing the scent of your hair while you were sprawled beautifully in my bed?Or the person that i am right now,staring blankly at the monitor with his fingers dancing all over the keyboard.I have not a clue,i am still finding myself.But like you said,perhaps they all make you the ultimate 'You',perhaps they are all part of me too.

Don't take this entry to heart,i might just be ranting,or venting.It might be the afternoon,a reflection of my emotions somehow - the way the sun came out after the morning rain,the alternating good/bad weather throughout the day - it might just be yet another one of my sudden fluctuations of emotions.It was hard for you,but it was even harder for me.To accept and to forgive,sometimes these are the greatest things one man can do to another,but am i up for the challenge?Am i really that brave as you might see me to be?I dont trust myself as much anymore,i need your arms to fall into right now.To collapse and to cry,to be told that everything is going to be all right despite the ending of the world...I need to breakdown now,and if i have to do so it is going to be in your arms at the end of all things,at the end of everything.

The end is going to be calm,the end is going to be stale.The end of me,is probably going to be like this,right now.But i think,and i guess and i hope,that if i have to end it in this manner,i hope to end it with you in my arms,my heart beating against yours and breathing that familiar smell of your beautiful hair.I saved your life by saving mine,you better make it up to me.

But i do love you,and that is all there is to it.