In Continuum.

Overwhelming

We were by the side of the swimming pool downstairs, many years ago when I was still a child. The three of us, staring into the clear blue water before our feet, preparing to make the dive. We were at the deepest end of the pool, our shadows hovered over the breaking waters. Three half naked boys stood there in their swimming trunks while their parents sat in the shade of the umbrella far off, unaware of the dare that was about to happen. My cousins dared me to hold my breath underwater on this end of the pool, and we'd see who can hold the longest breath before swimming for the surface. They knew about my fear about the water, how I am terrified about waters that reached above my head. In face of my cousins however, I took a deep breath and leaped off the edge of the pool into the freezing waters.

The color blue drenched and soaked everything else that dared to invade its territory. Underneath the surface, everything became a strange shade of blue, including my face that slowly turned into that color with the air being held in my lungs. I tired to distract myself with the arms and the legs thrashing about in the distance, the sound of my cousins' laughter from the edge of the pool filtered through the surface and was blurred. I waited for them to come jumping into the water alongside myself, but their silhouette against the afternoon sun remained as they were, peering into the water with a stopwatch in their hands. Bubbles escaped my lips, like a fleeing refugee running for the surface. I tried to keep them in; I tried to keep them all in.

That was when the burning sensation took over, reaching through my ribs and tore at the walls of my lungs. They were screaming for air, begging me to surface despite the timing. But I didn't want to lose to my cousins; I wanted to set an impossible time for them to beat. But my lungs weren't sharing the same sentiments, and their desperation for air raged like fire inside my lungs. The fire reached through the nerves and to the rest of my body, tingling at my toes and forcing my feet to thrash upwards. That was when I decided to give in to my body's call for help, and reach up towards the dusking sky; That was when my cousin, dived in on top of me.

His legs crashed down upon my shoulders, hands pressing my head back down into the water. The both of us sank down to the bottom of the pool, and my buttocks smashed into the blue tiles that lined the bottom like a million tic-tac-toe boxes. His weight came down upon me, pinning me down to the floor as I struggled to break free. But his grasp was tight and his muscles well built. He was too strong for me, and his arms were locked around my neck by then, choking my throat which was already begging for air. I tried to tell him that I was choking, but in the water everything became coded. I screamed until there were no bubbles running out, until they were replaced by mouthfuls of chlorine water. He swam back to the surface then, satisfied with the damage he did to his younger cousin. He looked back, expecting me to break through the water as well. But I remained at the bottom, half of me already drifting into unconsciousness while the other felt the numbness in my chest growing. Like a limp fish, I drifted at the deeper end of the swimming pool, not really dead but not nearly alive.


There has been this overwhelming feeling - a burning sensation - in my head these days. It reminded me of that incident by the pool, as I choked half the swimming pool out of my lungs. My cousins watched from where they were, unaware of what they did wrong. I was kneeling in the middle of a pool of water, coughing my life away. I recall the way my head swirled out of control, and the emptiness that ensued. It was as if somebody reached into your nostrils with a pair of tong and pulled out your brain. You are all of a sudden paralyzed, unable to think and unable to move. Your mind is a blank, and you sit there - unable to answer any questions or utter any words.

Not by the pool this time, but by the computer. I have been strangely out of words these days, and I blame it upon the hill of notes that I have been reading through. The same sensation overwhelmed me the days before my A levels, as I sat in the middle of the school library and felt the waves crashing down above my head. It was a helpless feeling, sitting there like a broken lighthouse in the storm. Words weren't making sense back then, and the same fear crept back into my mind two years on. My brain cells worked like suicidal dolphins all rushing for the sandy shores. They must have died in the millions between the moment I woke up this Monday and this very moment, because I am finding little motivation and drive to do anything.

I turned down the offer to study in school today with my friends, along with a bunch of other offers to socialize. It seems like the person back in Junior College has finally taken over for real, dragging me back to the hole I dug for myself so long ago. In the past, I was the driftwood in school most of the time. I followed the currents, and it carried me between island chains and continents, but never landing me anywhere for long. I was left out of most social groups, not because of them leaving me but because I never made a point to do so. In the months leading up to the major exams, I spent the days very much alone - accompanied only by my books and that friend here and a friend there once in a while. It was a dreadful and gloomy period of time, and I found myself digging my own grave quietly behind the crowd to bury myself in.

I must have deleted a dozen entries before this one, which I am not even sure if I am going to publish at all. This must seem really random to the readers right now, as you think to yourself," Finally, Weilien is running out of things to say on his blog". It must be one of those days that come and go, striking you when you least expect it. I have so many things that I want to say, words that escape me the moment they come into my mind. Images, feelings and thoughts, all seem rather abstract. Leaving behind, this burning sensation that seems to be insatiable somehow.

There are times, when I feel like calling somebody random on the phone and talk - especially in times like these. But nobody seems to be persuasive enough to tell me that I am just thinking too much, that I am over-reacting to everything else. It's been a while since I talked to somebody on the phone and felt better afterwards. It's been a while since I was able to call somebody at 3am, and have that person not scream back at me in anger. It's been some time, and I do honestly miss those times.

Oh, what am I blabbering on about. It is probably the exams, it is probably due to all the studying that I have been doing throughout the day. Just tired, just worn out. Just really sick of reading about cultivation theories, organization communication and the other communication-related theories. I probably just need sleep, or a big cup of coffee to slap myself awake. I probably need a great big hug from a good old friend, or perhaps a very long holiday overseas to clear my mind out. I probably need a lot of things right now, things other than this overwhelming sensation of a boat sinking underneath my feet. Everything seems to be going for me now, everything seems to be moving in the right direction somehow. But I can't help but feel like there is a heavy weight on top of me in a body of water, pushing me down towards the ground until I am choking on chlorine water.

I need - something.

But something's missing, as it always is.