In Continuum.

Elephant Woman

Angel, I can see myself in your eyes
Angel, wont you feel for me from your heart
Do return my heart to me
No, dont insist Im already hurt

*

I had a dream.

There was a smell in the air.What is it?I thought to myself.It smelled familiar,a little organic,a little artificial,all at the same time.Strange,i must be dreaming,this must be a dream.But i havent had this dream before,where am i?Where am i?

I know this smell,i know it well.I used to smell this in kindergarten classes,as well as those times when i used to colour black and white robots in my colouring book.I remember now,those rows of crayons,different coloured ones,emitted a smell i still remember in my nostril till this day.The fleeting innocence,the vanishing childhood of mine,the lingering hint of things that once was,lurking around the opening of my nostrils,reminded in this strange land before me,strange material under my feet.

I took a step forward,the dark green earth.The sky was blue,bright blue sky with white in between lines,as if somebody coloured the white sky with blue crayons.The Land of Crayons,my feet sank into the think crayons below.Walking was full of efforts,and it sucked my energy away with every step,as i made my way through the faceless crowd,walking upon the land effortlessly,with their brown skin and their brown faces,brown clothes and brown eyes...

The Brown People.the Crayon People.

*

'Can I help?' i asked,peering over the edge of the chopping board at the dead squid.Pools of water and animal guts laid on the stained chopping board,a giant knife sliced through the flesh of the squid,with its eyes still staring blankly at the neon tube above.

'No,silly.You are too short!' my mother replied.'Maybe when you grow taller.'

I watched,merely watched,as the squid laid under the edge of the sharpened knife.Its tentacles stretched out before it's head,as if to hold on to something,to pull itself away from the wretched blade.But there it was,being sliced up and tossed away into the rubbish bin.

I wasn't asking my mother,i realised then.

I was asking the squid.

And because i was too short,because it was already dead,i felt utterly helpless.Useless.

*

Elephant girl, it was an accident unfortunate
Angel, threw me like a rubber man aiming for the ground
Why amuse yourself in such ways?
No, dont insist Im already hurt

*

Do you know the feeling of helplessness?When you know the impending doom,when you know that there is something amiss,something that needs to be fixed,but because of one reason or another,you are incapable of doing so?I do not speak of trivial things in our daily lifes,trivial things like saving a squid from a chopping board.But there are so many other aspects,things that are impossible to undo,no matter how hard you tried.If i have a choice,right now,i'd go back to school and study.I swear,that with the mentality right now i am able to do so much better,at least put in so much more effort in doing so.

It has been a up-hill battle and a downhill decline ever since my Secondary School days.I remember towards the end of Secondary Three,because of my poor grades in Chemistry and Physics,i was forced to study Combined Science instead.I felt depreciated,and my body was smashed under the great big hammer of discrimination.It was funny how i felt that way then,as if i was forsook by the society,looked down upon and spit on because my brain capacity wasnt good enough for whatever they wanted to implant in us.I felt discriminated,like a white man turned into a black slave,like a German being turned into a Jew,i felt discriminated and most of all,useless.

The line of the graph went uphill towards the end,thanks to the great tutor i had in tuition class.Mr. Ong was an interesting teacher,and i remember him calling up all 50 students he had in the class just to ask them for their O levels results.That was very nice of him in my opinion,because even my teacher didnt give two shit about the grades i got.I used to fail A Maths,been an F student all my life.Then he came along,and i got a B3 for my O levels.I was so proud of myself,i was so happy.Because for once in a long time,i felt great.I felt...i felt useful again.

JC life was...how do i put it?Do you know the feeling of being not on the ball,but under it?Like a midget on a basketball court,with the players running about you,bouncing the orange ball,when all you could do was to stand there because nobody cared about you,that no matter how high you stretched,no matter how fast you ran,you are never going to be of any contribution to the victory of the team,if victory comes at all.Everybody minded their own businesses,and because the reach of my arms - or lack thereof - i was left in the middle of the court,as the timer counted down to every intermission and eventually,the end of the game.

Everybody won,it was a great game.High fives and celebrations.Laughter and more cheers.But there i was,involved and not at all at the same time.Standing in the middle of the court,as the crowd dispersed and the team left,wondering if i should cheer as loud as them,or if it is going to betray myself,remind myself that the victory of everyone had nothing to do with me.Nothing at all.

I felt utterly stupid in Junior College.Nothing made any sense at all,and the only interesting aspect of school life back then was always the thin slit of white light in the door of the lecture theatre.I remember the shadows that lingered then,the view of the running tracks and beyond that,home.I remember the drowning of the lecturer's voice off the walls of the theatre,the words upon my notes blending into one another into one big mocking face of laughter.I remember reading lines over and over again,making sense of it and then seeing the word 'stupid' written all over.I tried,i really did,to bring myself away from that feeling of helplessness,to make myself believe that i was capable of it...whatever 'it' was.But that never happened.Like i said,an up-hill battle and a downhill decline.

I felt,utterly useless.Helpless.

*

There was a garden before the house,a dull green garden with giant flowers.Four pedals on each flower,black and yellow bumble bees flying around them.Black and yellow,black and yellow.Somebody has told me that before,somebody's favourite colour combination.Am i here for a purpose?Who lives in this house?Why am i here?

There were singing coming from the house,the voice of a little girl.The incoherent singing of a young voice,so careless and free of the world all around.I took my careful steps up the fragile stairs,and opened the door to the house.There was a sofa at one end of the room,and a little girl was standing upon the sofa,with a microphone in her hands,singing at the top of her voice,a song i vaguely remember...

'Who are you?' i asked,as she noticed me and stopped singing altogether.

'I'm the dead girl.'

She replied,as she took a leap off the sofa and onto the carpet floor.She picked up a brown crayon,and started running her hand over the drawing block.Blue skies and green fields,dotted here and there with brown people.The same brown people,the crayon land,where i am right now,where i came from.

'Why is this brown girl crying?'

'She feels helpless.'

'Who is she?'

'Me.'

*

Lay me down on the ground softly softly
Dont remove my head hurts much too much

*

I know i couldve done something.I was so sure of it.There was a long silence,the morning sun was shining in through the window.The bunkmates busied themselves around me,sweeping under the chair i was sitting on,pulling the bedsheets and the wiping the windows with old newspapers.There was going to be an area inspection later,and everybody was cleaning the area.Everybody,except me.

It has been 364 days since that day,exactly a year ago,the morning after.We talked the night before,the vibrations of my phone i still feel on my chest,as her messages kept coming in.Messages of worry,messages of rejection.I remember running my fingers through the hair,staying up all night in my bed.The light from the corridor streamed in through the window,but not enough to lighten up my heavy heavy heart.It was that night,when the shadows grew around me.When i dug a hole and jumped right into it.I see her at the top of the hole,the whole six feet above where i was,with a shovel in her hand.Behind her,a pair of hands rested on her shoulders,the hands of a man.I couldnt see his face,he was in the shadows.But as the grip around her shoulders tightened,she lifted up the shovel,and scooped the soil onto my dying body,burying me...burying me forever.

The next morning,the morning after.I was reborn in reality,sitting next to the window and staring at the great big soccer field before me.The sun was shining,shining so beautifully.A rare sight on a November morning.But nothing was working,absolutely nothing.Not even the soft urge from my friends to do something,to get my mind off things,because i was clearly distressed,troubled and utterly crushed.But i said nothing,just a little nod and then followed by more staring.My friends were helpless,my friends looked on.But there i was,thinking that i couldve done something,or said something to reverse everything.Is that even possible?Reversal?

'Maybe we should stop talking for some time.'

The message read,over and over again in my head.Just another slip,i thought.A slip through the fingers.In the country plagued by drought,the only fish that fascinates,slips through your hands and back into the running stream.Like loose sand in the desert,or water from the sea.They always slip through your finger gaps,they always do.And even if i had said something,done something,i thought,it wouldnt have made any difference.Because of my beliefs,because of my faith - or lack thereof - i wasnt able to infiltrate,to penetrate,to love...

*

She laid by my side,a shooting star went by.All was quiet on this Sunday night.Blue lights were climbing the walls far off,the world falling asleep to the ticking of her wrist watch.It was getting late,we were counting down.Five minutes,another five minutes,may there be no more time!Stop the time!If only just for one night!

My desperate call out for help,a silent scream into the dead night sky.Stars glittered,an answer from beyond?Her soft murmur,a groan from under my breath.He hair in my face,fingers intersected on the dry autumn grass.The air was cooling,the last of the midnight train tumbled down the tracks far off.

There were things,that went through my head,when you slept so close to me tonight.I couldnt put them into words,and didnt know how.I wanted to say whatever it was that was on my mind,but like everything else that might happen if you stayed out too late,it didnt matter.I opened my eyes while yours remained closed.It was strange,to be right there and then,at the same time,so far away.To be this,and more than this at the same time.Perhaps,it is as good as it gets.To know that this is it,and there is only the fall to the rocks below after the cliff,no further towards the beautiful sunset beyond.Perhaps,but as you closed your eyes,your breaths slowing down gradually,as your watch ticked and you murmured something inaudible,i said it.You didnt hear it,but i said it anyway.I didnt want you to hear it,perhaps not to spoil the night.The grass,the coffee,the rain,the bus ride,everything.So i mouthed,and in my head,i was the only person who knows what i said.

I said...

'I like you a lot,i really do.But i don't trust myself,i don't trust myself in loving you...'

*

'Will you help me?' i pleaded.

'What can i do?' the little girl replied. 'She killed me,long ago when she moved on.She killed me,so mercilessly,so deadly.Like myself,you are dead too aren't you?So what more do you want to do?What more do you want to say to her?Do you think that with that spanner in your hand,with that screwdriver in the other,by tightening a few nuts and putting pins into a few holes,you are going to fix anything?Fix her?Do not be folly,my dear visitor.Come on,forget about everything,for everything is broken.Sit,sit down and draw with me.Sit down and draw with me.'

'But i feel i have to.I have to...'

'I tried.I tried my very best.She has to help herself.She has to,there is nobody else.'

'Who is this 'she' we are talking about?'

'She is here,and she is there.She is in the grass,she is invisible.'

*

You never return it
Well I wouldnt miss it
I shed no tears for broken me
You never know it my peace of mind
Now inside and outside are matching

*

7am,you havent called back yet.A vibration i sensed in my mattress,your small face appearing in the monitor.I picked it up,the sound of you hanging up.Why were you scared?What did you want to say?Am i really that scary,that menacing?Talk to me,that is all i want.Talk.Why is everything so difficult?

I've waited so long,i've waited that long.You said that you have no courage,that you freaked out and was scared.The most important moment,perhaps the turning point in everything,and you did not grasp it,as fate as instructed as it led you to the door.It only leads you that far in life,and it is always up to you to take that final step,the most difficult step.Without that,everything falls in regression,a backward motion.

I waited all night,until the birds in the trees made funny noises,talking and singing to one another.Another brand new day,another day off the calendar.The room is dark,and then it was blue.A reverse of the body on the bed - the broken body - a shade of blue and then black.What is this old chilly feeling,creeping up my spine?I haven't felt this,not for a long time.When was the last time i felt this,too dreadfully familiar.

Oh yes,it is all coming back to me.

When i failed everything.When i felt utterly stupid.When parts of me were broken down into molecules.When she slipped out of my life with a message.When i squatted in the void deck before the elevator and cried.When i ran through the heavy rain without the umbrella in my bag.When i climbed that hill towards that ultimate prize.When i pulled at the pull up bar two years ago and reached only my forehead.When i collapsed at the top of the objective with 500 MG rounds in my bag.When i felt gutless,useless,helpless...

Yes,it is all coming back to me now.

*

'Don't die,you still owe me a sunrise.'

'I cannot breathe.I am choking...'

'What happened to the little girl?What happened to her?'

'She is crying.'

'Why is she crying?'

'She cannot save me.'

*

Why amuse yourself in such way
No dont insist Im already hurt
If you never return it
Will it break your wings
Will you shed no tear for broken me

*

I had a dream.

You were there,i had a box in my hands.Hidden behind my back,you were surprised.You smiled,i handed you the box.

'What is it?' you asked,tearing up the wrapping paper,the manifestation of the emotion called excitement.

'I found somebody,somebody for you.'

You tore open the wrapper,the wrapper with patterns of little bumble bees flying through a rainstorm.You tore it open,the cover to the box opened.You looked confused,you looked trouble.

'Is this a joke?' you asked.

'What?'

In the box,a dead body.The dead body of a young girl.The dead body of you.

*

1051am.The sound of frying bacon in the kitchen.The oven made a sound,the hot morning buns were ready.Tears rolled down my cheeks,the tired tears of the morning,the only way i cry nowadays,no matter how much i try.I sat up abruptly,in bed with the blanket crumpled between my legs,and the sun was already halfway across the morning sky.

I ran my fingers through my tired eyes,Josephine stared back at me with her own worried eyes.A wooden stare,echos of the sad music of yester night.So i started the routine,to make it all seem right.Like nothing happened in the previous night.The only way to make myself right,even if it is make believe,but what else can i possibly do?To the computer,to the computer we go.

Computer turned on.
Start.
iTunes.
Playlist.
John Mayer.
'Everything is not Broken'
Enter.

That autumn leaves fall dry and sweet
Tells me everything is not broken
No everything is not broken
If everythings not fine
If everythings not fine

That nature rains on flames we made
Should tell you everything is not broken
No everything is not broken
If everythings not fine
If everythings not fine

And I will find the colours in my life
The places and times it was now

And I will walk outside on my own into the light
The kind of clarity that only comes to me on Sunday's shine
Sunday's shine

It tells me everything is not broken
No everything is not broken
If everythings is fine
And everything is fine
If everything is fine
If everthing is fine