In Continuum.

Wither

Have you been on a tree-lined avenue?Have you walked through it in autumn?Have you seen the withering leaves,those golden brown leaves all around?

Have you seen them?

That's death.

But death can be beautiful,too.

*

The meter on the top right of the monitor was ticking,flicking upwards and went past the 100km/h mark.My rank jumped,from the fifth to the fourth,then to the third,then to the second.The yellow,firey car before mine raced ahead,always inches away from my black Honda.The pressure of my finger tip on the 'W' button on the keyboard,but the speed remained where it was,fluctuating.I negotiated a turn,then another,and then another.The yellow car before me remained before me,taking my number one position.I cursed under my breath,and at a sharp turn i sliced into the inner lane,squeezed myself right in between the car and the curb.

The door opens at the back,a familiar head sticks into the room.It was my father's,with a worried look.My eyes were on the turn,hands were sweaty from the adrenaline,and the 'W' key pressed down at full force.Just a little bit more,just a little bit more!I screamed at myself in my mind,almost passing that accursed yellow car.My car skidded,and it went out of control.It crashed first into the yellow car on the left,then it swerved towards the grassy curb on the right.It crashed upwards along the slope and then made three full turns in the air.The screen flipped,and i watched as the car went down,down,down,down...And then,it happened.

'Hey,Grandma just passed away...' Dad said.

I crashed.

*

'Why did grandma need a medical check up all of a sudden?'

I asked,as i wrapped my hands around the head rest of the passenger seat in front.My mother was hesitant back then,and it took her a while to answer.

'She found blood in her urine.' she finally answered.

'And the cause?'

'I...I don't know.'

*

Who is my grandma to me,i was asking myself on the way home today.I dont know why the thought of her came to my mind today,as we were talking about slow deaths.It mustve been the cancer,the cancer that ate her from the inside out.It mustve been them,reminding me about my grandmother's slow journey to death,as they wrote a dozen reminders on post-its and stuck them on my fridge door.Because there i was,thinking about the pain she mustve went through,the pain my mother,and her siblings must have went through,and eventually,that agony inside threatening to tear her apart,letting the virus pull through into the rest of the body.

The image of my grandma i have,is her sitting by the dining table on a stool,next to the entrance to the dark kitchen and smiling at me.She was the only grandparent that i have,who spoke chinese to me,and i remember her being able to speak Japanese as well.I remember the old green fridge that she had,and how the bottle levels were always dimly lid by a yellow bulb at the back,and stalked full of soft drinks whenever myself and the other kids are there.I like my mother's mother,my grandma.She was/is my favourite grandparent,though i hated her house.

She's been living in that rundown house in the middle of Taipei,despite the fact that all her children moved out of it a long time ago.I remember the stories my mother told me about her family,and how they were so poor back when she was a kid.My mother's family were in the fabric business,always sewing clothes to be sold to people.Of course,there were handkerchiefs,sweaters and other stuff as well.Basically,anything that deals with a thread and a needle,my mother's family was in on it.But because where she used to stay,it belonged to a low-lying area of Taipei,and the drainage of the city back then wasnt too great.So there was a particular typhoon when it flooded real bad,and the family made a great loss.The water flooded to the second level,and i remember my mother telling tales of swimming snakes and captured frogs.

The point is,the house has been through a lot.I hated the house because it always felt dirty and haunted in a way.It was always dark,and the only lights on the first floor came from the dull neon tubes above,and the red lights at the table where my grandmother prayed.But despite all those,i visited my grandmother everytime i went back to Taiwan,simply because she was my favourite amongst all my grandparents.

She was a jolly old woman,i recall.She had a pleasent voice,and unlike a lot of old people i've seen,my grandmother always looked happy somehow.I remember her tears when my grandfather died from a stroke,but other times we were greeted by her smile.She smelled,the way old people always do,and i remember the pressure of her palm on my shoulder,and then on top of my head as she admired just how fast i was growing.I remember a lot of little things,the way she looked so serious in that old faded photograph of herself and my grandfather,on the day of their wedding,next to the bed where she slept.I remember her addiction with Tetris,and playing all through the night once until dawn.I remember her visit to Singapore,and how she helped my mother to paint the railings of my balcony.I remember she played Monopoly with my sister and I,and how she used up all her money to build a dozen hotels,and how we were utterly destroyed afterwards.I remember my grandmother,because...i dont know why.I loved my grandmother.

*

'Why are you reading up on cancer?' i pulled at my mother's sleeve.

She said nothing.

I asked no more.

*

My mother made the decision to go back to Taiwan to look after grandma.She was admitted to the hospital,and she felt uncomfortable staying here,leaving the rest of her siblings to do the job.So she left,leaving my father,my sister and I behind.My father wasnt a great cook(Still isnt),and i remember noodles every bloody day for almost a month.We ordered pizza once,and every morning's breakfast was dominated by pizza.

Mother was not around to cook for us,talk to us,wash our clothes for us,fetch us from school,and right then i felt her absence resonating around the house.I knew she was going to return someday,and i know that the separation was temporary.But in a way,i felt what my mother was probably feeling then.I found out about my grandma's cancer through herself,and i remember not knowing too much about it.But the word 'terminal' was enough to place the other word 'death' into my knowledge on the disease.

There was a tickle of pain in my chest,when i ate the hard pizza.I wanted,and i needed my mother around.But how selfish of me,how selfish i was,to want my mother back when she was about to lose hers?I held on to that thought,swallowed the hard pizza and made my way to school.I left behind,along with the crumbs of the pizza and the ketchups,the thought of my grandmother,and the sight of her on the hospital bed.Most of all,the repeat of the scene when my grandfather died,and the siblings surrounding a raging fire,throwing paper money into the heart of the flame,with a shiny orange spark in their eyes.Tears,reflecting the burning fire...

*

'Hey Weilien!I heard there was an earthquake in Taiwan!'

Somebody jeered from the back of the line.The queue before the art room was long,and somebody from behind shouted those words to me.I was confused,and in a way i tried to ignore.But they kept asking,desperately wanting my attention.I couldnt care less,and yet,their voices were piercing me like a dozen needles upon my heart.I was distracted,distracted from forcing myself to think about anything but my grandmother's impending doom.I remember that lesson,the day was hot.My palms were sweaty,with my fingers curled up tight into a fist,heart raging from the effort to distract myself from death.

'So?' i answered.

'I hope your relatives didn't die!' came the reply.

There was laughter,followed by a sudden silence.I expected me to erupt,to blow up.But i didnt.I was sweating,my palms were wet.They fist was still clenched,and the giggles were heard from amidst the crowd.My lips tightened,and i spunned around to face the group of them.His voice,i recognise his voice.Him,i see him.That's him...

I jumped for his throat.

*

It felt cool against the tips of my fingers,the surface of the picture felt smooth.A couple of months later,in a place i cannot remember.Was i in Taiwan?Or was i back in Singapore?I was holding a picture in my hand,a picture taken of all the relatives on my mother's side,crowded around my grandmother's bed in the hospital.I saw my cousin's face against my grandmother's,and my uncle's head on the other.I saw the smiles in the pictures,all the teeth and all the widened lips around.They were all cheerful,as if the books my mother bought for the disease was going to help,to cure anything at all.But the word 'terminal' meant exactly that.Chinese herbs werent going to help,especially after the doctor declared that the virus have spread to the rest of the body.Not when they have infiltrated everything else,even the smallest glimmer of hope is then,lost.

But even so,all around the picture,within the four sides of the frame,there were so many happy people,happy faces.But were they happy?Or were they merely wearing masks to cheer the person on the hospital bed on?Was it to tell her that there is still hope,despite it being the size of a pin hole?Or was it to tell her that we have made our preparations,leave without worries,leave without care?They were so forceful,all those smiles,and the way they looked at the camera,i can imagine their laughter around the bed afterwards,trying so desperately to look normal,to sound normal,to be as if nothing ever happened,that life was going to go on as normal.Were they doing it for themselves,their kids,or for the person dying in bed?

Who was the person in bed?That's my grandmother?I recognised,and not recognise her at the same time.Her eyes were sunken,deep into her sockets.I could see her cheekbones,her frail hair and the forceful smile.I remember her skin,what used to be skin that was a little flabby,and healthy,was black then.Yeah,it was black.The colour under her eyes were black,eye bags visible from too little sleep.Or,too much tears?

There was a person in the picture,a person i did not recognise,but recognised at the same time.The consequence of my recognition?A sudden pain shot through the heart,a sharpened edge sliced across the surface.That,was my grandmother.The same person who smiled at me all the time,sitting on a stool by the door of her kitchen,offering me soft drinks and thrasing me at Monopoly.The same grandmother,the same one i loved...

*

Imagine.

Summer goes,and autumn comes.The line of trees turn from a dull green to golden brown.You squat under one of the treets,staring at a fallen leave.Still green,the scent of summer still lingering.You fastforward time,everything else is fleeting around you so fast.The leave remained where it was,but the sides curled inwards.It turned from green to brown,dries up from the heat of the sun,and then eventually dies in the shadow of the great tree above.Still alive,forsaking the leaves that it once bore.

There is a certain melancholy,to see the process of something's death.From the moment it falls from the tree and to the ground,the death of it starts.And if you listen properly,you might just hear the desperate cry out for help,and perhaps betrayal as well,as the green leave laid there on the ground,and in full view of it's impending doom.It feels it,and it sees it.But it embraces it,and instead of seeing death as a forthcoming shadow,as something frightful and horrific,the leave turns death into something poetic,something beautiful.

And under the shadow of the tree,as you squat there with your chin between your knees,you watch the cry of the leave as the world goes by,and instead of seeing the conquering of death,you see the beautiful disintegration of life.

*

'Who told her about it?'

'Nobody dared to tell my mother about it.Everybody was afraid.So i went into the room and told her myself.'

'What was her reaction.'

'She was silent.'

'Silent?'

'Yeah,for a while.'

'And then...?'

'She accepted it,and embraced it.'

*

Have you been on a tree-lined avenue?Have you walked through it in autumn?Have you seen the withering leaves,those golden brown leaves all around?

Have you seen them?

That's death.

But death can be beautiful,too.