In Continuum.

Captain Hook

Captain Hook,Captain Hook
The life I had you rudely took
Now I'm putting my neck through the loop
At the end of the rope,just to end this soon

*

Life is a hook,and it is addictive.Not because it is obsessive or anything,but simply because once you are on the hook of life,you are forced to get used to a certain way of life.If you are an office worker,you get used to getting up and facing the rush hour traffic every morning and evening,and of course the claustrophobic feel of the cubicles in the office itself.If you are a cashier at a Coffee Bean,you get used to asking for the name of the customer,and smiling all the time till your cheeks are frozen numb.If you are a full-time NS man,then you are used to getting shit from your superiors everyday,and 'wayang-ing' to them just so that the next promotion in terms of rank is going to be belong to you.

That's the hook life has on you,when you normal everyday chores become habitual.That's the hook,and not the kind of hook you would imagine heroine have on their addicts,or cigarettes have on smokers.It's the way the repetition of life implants a sense of habit into people,and that is the hook.You become obsessed with it,and you turn into a robot,working at a conveyer belt.Something comes along,you fix it and you move on.The next part comes and you do the same to it,push it to the next robot.The same thing over and over,until nothing is wrong and you'd rather stay like that,because as much as change can be for the better,you never know what the word 'change' can take you.Because the hook might break,the hook might let go.And you might find yourself falling,with the hook falling away above and you into the deep dark.

At the beginning of NS,we all mustve felt like bullets in a magazine.The firer prones one hundred metres away from the target,emptying magazines after magazines of rounds onto the target.We merely wait for our turn to come,like waiting darts waiting to be fired.Our turn came,and we were chambered into the rifle before the firing pin.Time comes to a standstill,and everything slows down to a crawl.That's the start of your NS career,at the end of the barrel with a little white dot at the end of a long spiralling tunnel.As the spring pushes the firing pin forward,you are projected forward as well,and in real time that is taking days,even months.As you move through the barrel at blinding speed,the friction probably mustve caused yourself to heat up,and the carbon is set off from the explosion in the cartridge below.You are now coming to the end of the barrel and nearing the muzzle,and you know you are going to be out soon.There is a certain excitement involved,because you have a burning desire to strike through the target.

Boom,you are out of the barrel,leaving behind a trail of smoke and a shortlived spark.You are now travelling through the air in an upward arc,due to the laws of Physics.You are now out in the free,soaring through the air at blinding speed and towards the target.Therein lies the problem,the shooter didnt aim properly.He missed the target,and you find yourself loosing kinetic energy,losing speed.You are plunding down towards the ground,you are off the peak of your movement and plummeting,plummeting...

*

Now,right now,i feel like the bullet.You know,while traveling through the barrel,although with the friction and the carbon it was terrible uncomfortable,at least i had a straight path to go,a definite route to take.I dont know why i desired the light at the end of the dark tunnel so much,but perhaps i've been in the dark for too long.Ironically,once i was out of the tunnel,i desperately wanted to head on back because i knew that once i am out,there is no turning back.It will be a downward plunge from here,all the way down into the ground,six feet under.

The civilian life is a strange life,now that i've realised.My mother came to tell me yesterday - a Sunday - that she almost asked me what time i am booking in that night.I remember waking up this morning thinking to myself that this is going to be yet another boring week in camp,because i havent got much entertainments in camp.But as soon as i opened my eyes to the plain white ceiling of my room,feeling the soft wind from the fan,i realised that i was here to stay and that i was not going to book in any time soon.Im still not used to the civilian life,not used to not doing anything all day long.I remember craving for such a life,to wake up in the morning know that there is nothing for you today,tomorrow,the day after tomorrow,so on and so forth.I remember craving for it,but fearing it in a way now.It's ironic i know,and totally contradictory to the ideals i had while i was in the army.

Fear overwhelmed me,and with that a tad bit of worry.I feared for myself before i got enlisted,that i was going to lose my senses in the army due to the discipline and the regimental lifestyle.I feared for the sense of sharpness,the way i always had a different perspective in the views of things.And true enough,i did in a way,kill my sense for the life in the army.I stopped blogging,and the worst part was i didnt feel like anything was amiss back then.

But of course,THAT happened and it caused me to start that habit again in January this year.That was when i was suddenly reminded of just how beautiful this habit of mine actually was,and havent stopped since then.Army didnt actually dull my senses,but it placed it to rest for a year or so.Then at the beginning of the second,exploded through the tips of my fingers onto this very page you are looking at now.It didnt dull my senses i realised,it merely went into hibernation.And i kinda like the way i was,in the NS and always having so many stories to tell.

Right now,being out of the barrel feels strange.Now i fear that the everyday life i am going to go through is going to slice my senses into a dozen pieces.I fear that they are never going to find each other,to repair and fix themselves.I fear for a lot of things,and really for myself since i am now off the hook,out of the zoo and into the wild.But the wild scares me now - reality is after all,reality - im petrified.

Imagine yourself being out of University,and before you is the rest of your life.The road that leads all the way into the horizon,and you are supposed to find your way towards the end of the road.You are now forced to look for a job,a real job that is supposed to last you for the rest of your life.Not because you need money,or because you have nothing to do during this long ass break,but because if you do not find a job,you are going to starve,and eventually die sooner or later.

So you pick your job,as an accountant,clerk,secretary,whatever.You find that job,and assuming that you are sticking with that same job,that will be what you are going to be doing for the rest of your life.The rest of your life might only be five small words in the Oxford dictionary,and might not mean much to you at the tender age of twenty.But let's imagine it for a while,that in another twenty years' time when you are forty years old,you are still going to be stuck at the same job and the same office,facing the same boss (Or his son),and at the same table too if you were never promoted to a higher rank.All i am saying is,we shouldnt under-estmate the power of the five words: The Rest Of Your Life.

And that is exactly what i am feeling now.This invisible force,Captain Hook,came and took the life i led away from me.I mean,school life was - as much as i hated it - was part of my life and i was used to living it.It came and brought me to another hook,hung me up there in the grasps of those NS sadists,and like how all natural law works,i was hooked to that life as well.Not because i particularly like it,but because i had to,and was able to get used to it.

Standing at the brink of a new phase,i am now able to compare the two phases that i had: School life and Military life.Both mentioned have a seriously case of oxymoron,but when you are starving,you have to choose the lesser of the two evils,the apple with lesser worms.I'm not saying NS life for me was terribly exciting,or was in any way desirable.I am thankful for the changes it brought to me as a person sure,but like the experiences i had in India,i dont think i am willing to go through it again.Thanks but,no thanks really.I'm done,i've had enough.

But here is the difference,here is why i think right now - civilian life being the reality - can be even worse than before.I was in the army,and i started out as this thin,weak and sickly soldier.But i progressed and i grew,and though i cant say i was the fittest around,at least i tried my very best and accomplished things i never thought possible.Because seriously,army changed me,and i fixed myself along the way in the person i am today.

But what it is to come is different.It is a black hole before me,a twilight zone.I am neither here nor there,not anywhere.The fact that i am not going to any University is finally dawning on me as a really big issue.I regret not being smart enough in Junior College,regret choosing those subjects to study,and regret not waking up my bloody idea anytime sooner.Regrets,we all live with that.Which is why i am so desperate to have my attitude placed in that old self,the neversay-die attitude that i developed after army.At least that might get me somewhere,torn and battered,or not.The reality that is before me now reminded me of just how bleak my situation is,and what led to this altogether - my incapabilities during the As,and just how stupid i felt during every single paper,despite putting in all my efforts.

Let's face it,no matter how much the teachers in school try to convince you that it is not the results that counts but the effort put in?It is pure bullshit.They dont grade you according to your efforts.They dont have a webcam pointed at you to monitor just how hardworking you are during your studying periods.They dont monitor you while you are studying by yourself,let alone grade you for that.They grade you by what you wrote on your paper,by what you expressed on the horizontal straight lines.They grade you by the As,Bs,Cs or Ds you filled in on the MCQ answer sheets,and they grade you for the essays you wrote about Racism in our Society.They grade by the finished product,and never the process leading up to it.And the worst thing is,everybody is going to judge you with those results.They are not going to say "This person has more passion than the other,let's choose him" when you are looking for a job?Grades are everything to people,and although people hate to admit that they are such shallow and superficial people,they are deep inside.Because you cant measure passion,or interest,or talent.It was a one time mistake,a little stumble during a major exam,and that person has to pay with the rest of his life.That is not fair,but what is fair in this world,this reality?

I repeat.I am petrified.I am at the end of the hook,putting my head through the loop at the end of the rope.I am killing myself,choking myself and still smiling to everybody around me.Because i dont want them to worry,i hate them to worry for me.But at the same time,i hate to see the way my mother tells me that everything is okay,when it is not.I know that things are not going the way she planned,or hoped for.I understand that i probably never made her proud in my whole life,and the worst thing the chances of me actually doing so seems to be becoming slimmer and slimmer.I know things are not okay mom,you dont have to look me in the eyes and tell me that,when all i see in them are my own failures and incompetency.

*

With all that said though,i am now sitting in my room before the computer.The room,the soft whirl of the fan,the music in the background,i feel safe.Almost too safe maybe,but still safe.I dont feel that crisis upon me,at least for now.But i know whenever i look at the date,the time that is ticking by,i know that i have to get off my ass and do something about the fucked up life i am going to have.But where to do i start?Where do i begin to clear the mess,throw out the garbage and be objective?This is it,isnt it?You are so objective with the problems of others and never youself.What,too chicken and too dimwitted to do anything about it?Or just too scared to face reality?Is it?

When those questions flood back into the room,filling the spaces all around to the top,i feel it as a rush of water,drowning me in a pool of questions.Questions taunting me,questions intimidating me,questions suffocating,killing me.This is a fight i cannot win,like punching underwater where i can never hit who i am trying for.Downward spiral,spiralling down...The room is safe no more,the walls do not protect me from the water.The water,the water,Captain Hook is smiling,he is mocking me.Throw me in the water,let me drown.Let him drown!He says...You are off the hook!OFF THE HOOK...

There is one place,that i feel comforted.Not even in the eyes of my mother,not the words she gives me.Not the compassionate looks my parents give as well,or the encouragements my friends give,almost condescendingly at times.It is in the arms of my beloved,my dearest you.With you it is not an act of escape,because when i am with you i still think about my future,the fading but looming one.Reality is scary,and i am scared out of my wits.I think about it all the time,and i do not ignore the fact that i am not the man that's going to succeed in life,if i go on living the way that i do.I know all those,the fears and the doubts about myself,even when i am hand in hand with you walking down the streets of Orchard.They come and go at times,even while you are speaking of your thoughts out loud,full disclosure to me.I do not escape,i do not try to run away.I understand fully my situation every time.But i know,like you so simply and clearly put it that night in the sky garden...

We have each other,so how bad can it get?