In Continuum.

Man of Symmetry

Time, where did you go
Why did you leave me here alone
Wait, don't go so fast
I'm missing the moments as they pass

There was a balancing beam in the fitness corner of my primary school once, it was the central of most excitements for a while then, when Police and Thief was the game the children played to be cool. When we exhausted the fun at the hopscotch area, the sandy marble place, the green grassy field at the back of the school, we gave our attention to the fitness corner next to the basketball courts. The monkey bars acted as the prison, while the sit-up benches were the 'homes'. The balancing beams were the safe zone of sorts, and the police weren't allowed to cross over those wooden beams while a thief is on the other side. It's a stupid rule on hindsight but, I guess we weren't too concerned about the rules just as long as we had fun back then. So the rules were set, and the game began swiftly after the school bell rang for recess.

The boys flooded to the back of the school, and was quickly divided into a bunch of little police officers and little thieves. The game started, the children started screaming on top of their voices, as if by doing so they'd be able to ward off the police officers chasing behind them. I was one of those crazy kids, running about and always part of the rebels. As a tall kid in the past, my long legs never allowed me to get caught at all. Enjoying the feeling of the wind in my face, I enjoyed those times while I ran through the fields with a friend of mine chasing behind me, trying to catch up with me but failing miserably in the end. Those times were ended when a kid fell from the balancing beams and broke his leg.

Now I've looked in the mirror
And the world's getting clearer
So wait for me
This time

He was trying to balance himself on the beam for some reason, and somehow fell sidewards and had his shin cracked. Soon after, the game was banned altogether, which led to my gambling days in school. However, that is another story altogether. I remember that scene well, the way that kid laid on his side and his right leg was sprawled on the grassy floor like a dead Python. He was screaming in agony, and there was a host of teachers around, some helping out while others were trying to. The ambulance came, and he was carried off in a stretcher, groaning in pain. The image of the doors behind the ambulance closing remained in my mind for a long while, but it was mostly just the sound of him falling down from the balancing beam that flipped my stomach around.

My mother always say that I have a good sense of balance. Jumping from sofa to sofa, I was the perfect mascot for Spider-Man at home when I was a child. Aside from that, I had my own run-ins with several compulsive disorders. It's like how people hate to step on cracks on the pavement, or the sight of a loose thread on a person's shirt. There are people who tend to walk over the cracks, and there are people who would pull off the thread for that other person. For me, I am a man of symmetry, and I hate to have any forms of imbalance in my life. It can be the difference in the tightness of the shoelaces, or the placement of the books on my shelves. One shoe cannot be tighter than the other, and there cannot be shelves without books in my sight. Everything has to be equal, everything has to be in balance. That is how my system works, even when it comes to my everyday life.

I'm down, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging for all your sympathy
But you (I'm just an illusion)
You don't seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don't mean to hurt you)

This is the typical schedule of my weekday. On days like Monday, Wednesday and Friday when school starts a little later than usual, I'd usually take my time with preparing. Taking 105 to school, I will change to either 151 or 154 just after the stop at the Toa Payoh interchange. It will take me all the way to school for my real day to start, and from there it is basically the same routine until the end of the day, which is usually at 5pm or later. When I reach home from school, I have my dinner and then I spend a little time with myself before starting on my work. By 'work', I am talking about school projects, assignments, homeworks, tests, quizzes, essays, online assignments, review questions, readings, and all that shebang that comes along with an average university package. And this is only the first semester we are talking about.

I'm not complaining about it at all, because I have been rather consistent with my work. Everything these days revolves around school, and it has been a constant battle between that and my own personal life - for myself. Twenty-four hours a day, and nothing more. Time works in a mono-chronic manner for me, in the sense that it does have a limit as to how much can be done in a day. Once the twenty-fourth hour is up, everything has to be stopped. So it has always been a personal battle with time, and how I balance my school work with the things I like to do on my own, with myself - like blogging.

Now I've looked in the mirror
And the world's getting clearer
I'll take what you give me
Please know that I'm learning
So wait for me
This time

Which got me thinking just last night, about the possibility of a relationship. The truth is, I have no time for one right now, with most of my focus on school work and the likes. Fitting that chunk of activities into my timetable is simply not going to work. It's not about commitment, but how difficult it is to maintain that balance of mine in life. The only reason why I was in that last failed relationship of mine was because I was coming to an end of my military life, and had nothing much to do for a couple of months before school started. I had a lot of time in my hands, which also meant that it wouldn't be a problem balancing the social life, the family life, the personal life and the life with the ex. It was much easier back then to juggle the times around the hours, but that is not the case now.

Which is why I do admire the people who are in relationships right now, especially those who have their boyfriends in the army. I wonder how possible it is to balance your life, your school life, and your relationship on the weekends alone, and not have one consume another. It is a difficult balance to tell you the truth, a very shaky stunt you are trying to pull. It'd be like trying to stand on a sword that is balanced on the tip of a blade. It is impossible to satisfy both parties fully it seems, one side has to compromise for the other. And when it comes right down to it, nobody feels good about compromising for another.

I should've known better
I shouldn't have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
I threw them all away

It is part and parcel of a relationship isn't it. A large part of it is to have a balance between what you have now, and what you found. Like so many relationships that I know, the people are always involved in an everlasting tug of war. On one end we have the family unit, joined forces with the friends, tugging at you in the middle. On the other end we have the partner, trying to gain his or her share of your time at the very same moment. Either way you side, the other is going to say that you are not putting enough emphasis on them, that you are neglecting them - or even unappreciative, when you clearly are. It is just the battle with time, and how we are always trying to find the best ways to have a good balance in between the two - the symmetry.

It reminded myself of that kid in the playground back in primary school, the one that broke his leg after falling down from the beams. He was just balancing on top, minding his own business and maintaining this state of equilibrium. Who would've known that gravity would throw him off balance and have him break his leg at the very end. It was a random memory that came to me on the bus home today while pondering over the possibilities of a relationship right now. I pictured myself on the beam itself, in my ugly green shorts and white top. On one side would be school, friends and my own personal space, while on the other the pull of my partner. I imagined myself breaking the balance - breaking the symmetry - then falling down towards the ground and eventually breaking my leg over it.

Now, this is my time
And I'm gonna make this moment mine
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me

So this is it, the man of symmetry is going to have a realistic projection of another three years of single-hood. By the end of this three years, I am going to be out into the workforce, out there in real life. Who knows how much of those bullshit I'd be able to stuff into that life, but we shall see. Like I said before, if I do end up being frustrated about my life after this, I will go to a monastery and plant mushrooms. Or join Kevin and Jonathan in their guano hunts in Panama. Who knows, I may stumble upon something that gives balance to my life once and for all. It'd be a great hunt for that Zen in my life, but I guess it's better sometimes without all the emotional mambo-jumbo that comes along with a relationship. Sometimes, it just gets too difficult to stay in balance, and we all break a leg every once in a while.

Please know that I'm learning
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me
This time
This time..