In Continuum.

Confessions Of Pain

2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
'Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season'
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

The English class today was a little different from the rest. The quiz that was supposed to happened was changed to an oral presentation of sorts, whereby the class was given individual opportunities to tell the rest about our third essay this semester. We were grouped up, and each group has a different theme to write up. My group got the theme of "Something you've done in that past that you are not proud of". Yet again, another boring topic to write on right after the "Men Vs. Women" one we had only a few weeks ago. Pondering over the weekend about my topic, I came up with the fear of rejections caused by the incident I mentioned in the "Murder by Ruler" entry I had a few weeks ago, concerning the incident where I pissed my pants in class. Since it is going to be a 'Cause and Effect' essay, I saw it rather fitting.

With such a boring topic, it was inevitable for the class to be giving boring answers as well. Sitting there behind my desk, I was clawing at the table with my fingernails with every presentation that happened before my own. The topics aside, the people just didn't know how to do oral presentations at all. They stuttered and they muttered, they talked under their breaths and strayed from the original topics. And it is not like they had strong points to argue about either. They were mostly about things that we already knew, things that we've known ever since we started the first day of school. Studying stress is bad, rape is bad, contraceptive is bad, and the likes. We have heard those only a million times, the world is not going to be made a better place with one more of your trash essay!

'Cause we can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
So cradle your head in your hands

Of course, I did not say the above out loud in class. For the most part, it was a mundane session of people going up to the front of the class like a Show and Tell session, but without the 'Show' aspect of it. They were covering their faces with the cue cards, talking to the floor and the ceiling, or just Nina at the very best of them all. All the boring topics and the lousy presentation skills - as Nina later pointed out - made the whole lessons utterly dreadful. Though I must say, that I am merely speaking about the experience in general and does not mean that they were all bad. I'm not sure about me, but at least people like Rajwin had something interesting to say for once, something that went against conventions and actually made sense. If you are going to talk about rape, then say why it is GOOD for a change. It is going to be an uphill battle, but at least it is going to be a breath of fresh air for some.

It was my turn to go up to the class, and I introduced my team to everybody else and the topics they would be talking about. So I weaved the story into words and tried to fit it into the three minutes time frame. I talked about the day when I pissed my pants, the day when I was laughed at before a bunch of primary school children, and then the whispers amongst the teachers that happened afterwards - basically the part about me wetting my pants in that entry of mine I mentioned. I ended off slightly overtime, and that was ensued by my other team members talking about the things they weren't so proud about in the past. Compared to their issues, mine seemed a little bit more trivial all of a sudden, but I still held my head up high, knowing that I had a different approach to the topic as compared to the rest. That was of course, until one of them came up and gave her speech, and broke my heart altogether.

And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe

She went up to the front of the class with much hesitations in her footsteps. Even before she announced to the class what happened in the past, I already knew about her predicament through her lie. When asked about the topic she was writing about a week ago, she told me what it was about. I asked her if it was about a friend then, and she told me "Yes, it was". However, I saw through her lie back then, and was clearly not convinced by that hesitation before her answer back then. It didn't come as a shock when she went up to the class with her paces shortened and the focus of her eyes flickering around. It was hard for us to watch her, but it was harder for her to be watched by us all.

She started with the first line then the second, then revealed to the class what happened to her in the past. Some of us were shocked, while others - like myself - already had a pre-conceived idea of what happened. We listened in silence for the most part, broken only by the occasional breaks by that friend of mine to hold back her tears. She was on the brink of tearing at that time, summoning all her courage and strength to hold back the overflowing emotions. I could see her struggle there in front of the class, but more of the struggle that happened to her in the not-so-distant past. She almost crumbled under the scrutiny of the class, but she went on with her topic anyway, and over the occasional pauses in her speech was the soft breaking of the heart within my chest.

May he turn 21 on the base of Fort Bliss,
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

She held them back successfully, as if those tears would reveal her weaknesses at all. However, I saw none of those in her but so much strength and courage - more than most people that I have encountered in my life. To face up with such inner-demons, to come clean in front of a bunch of strangers who know you only by the facet that you put forth, is quite a big deal by itself. It is not so much about what you told the class, but rather the fact that you dared to tell us this deep and dark secret of yours. I was awe struck, by how much strength you had there with every word spoken and every chance you withdrew from those overflowing emotions, as they threatened to break you down. You held yourself together, like a stubborn snowman in the summer. Neither of us know when the snow will melt, but you remain as you are for as long as it takes. Because that is who you are, and who you are is one of the strongest person I have ever witnessed.

By the end of her speech, there was a thunderous applause. At least for me, I clapped for what she stood for, what she believed in, and what she dared to do that not a lot of others would. The past can be a beautiful thing they always say, if only you don't have to deal with it in the future. And this is definitely not something you can get rid of, simply by tearing away pages of your diary or deleting cellphone messages like I did with my own failed relationship - which all of a sudden, seems so trivial and uneventful. This is the kind of thing that stays with you for life, and it is not likely to go away even if you try to redeem yourself in any way possible. Even if you have forgiven yourself for such an act, there is always the public opinions that you'd have to deal with, the kind of impression people will have on you after such a story is being told. And you have lived so many months with these in your life - I can't say this enough but, you ARE one strong girl.

'Cause we can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
So cradle your head in your hands

It was a rational decision that you made, a decision that shouldn't have been judged by others as being wrong. The mistake was committed, and wouldn't be right to have a person judged all over again under the public scrutiny. We all have dignities, and we all have the rights to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. Nobody deserves to be rid of a second chance, especially for a girl who is this strong and this brave to face up to her darkest times. I could have saluted her, despite the fact that her story overshadowed mine. After all, I wondered how many people is going to remember how I pissed my pants, and stood at attention at the flag lowering ceremony while singing the national anthem. But who cares now, really. I don't, really.

I'm not sure if you will be reading this, or if you visit my blog at all(I know you did, at least once). However, this is what I'd like to say to you, something which I did not get to say in the class. There are people who are going to judge you for what you did, or what you didn't do. There are people who are going to tell you that what you did was wrong, that you shouldn't have done this or that. Morally wrong, or ethically wrong, people have their own opinions and they are entitled to that. Some might distance themselves from you, while others may even try to hurt you as a result. However, don't ever let these words get to the better part of you, the part that is holding the pieces of you together. I wish that I can be your listening ear, I wish that I can be the leaning shoulder. But what do I know, I am merely a classmate of yours who knows little about your past. But as far as this two-cents is going to worth, here I am telling you that the story of your past is not going to affect the 'You' I already have in mind. I care little if the person I've been seeing in class for the past few months has been an act that you've so cleverly put up. I care little if you've been hiding a secret from everybody in class and lied to me about it last week. The truth is, I still see you as who I want to see you as, and the person I see is - you, in your rawest form. And the person I see is a beautiful person, emerged out from her darkened past - renewed and reborn.

And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe

She left the class immediately afterwards in the company of her friend. She didn't remain behind like she usually would, and was whisked away by herself quietly. I looked around the classroom and noticed her absence, mainly for the lack of cheerfulness that once existed before the tale was being told. I wonder how long your self-imposed silence is going to last, or how long the cheerful girl that I got to know will remain gone. However, no matter how long it is going to take, there will be people back in this same classroom, welcoming your back with our arms wide opened. Because it is not a cynical really, but one with people like us to look out for you. It happened, and you have bravely faced it up yourself. Let us take you the rest of the way in life, and have us support you when you feel tired and can take it no more.

Intersected with the paragraphs in this essay is a song I listen to when I am depressed - for whatever reasons. Be it a relationship issue, a problem in school, or simply one of those mood swings even guys get. I play this song on my speakers and I feel good all over again, simply because it provides a simple solution of life's problems. To breathe, is all we need to do to carry on, to push on, to live our lives. All we need is to have the will to take that next breath, to know that life goes on and we have to live life with the next breath and heart beat. With that in mind, nothing is very daunting anymore, because as long as you are alive, you are still capable of so many things. Do not be beaten down by what people may think of you, or what you may think of yourself - even. You have already crossed that path, and where you are now is a new beginning. Start it with a new step, and start it with a smile. The grass is indeed greener on this side, take it and never look back.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you just make them again
If you only tried turning around

So even if you read it or not, I hope this song will get to you one way or another. I heard that they play it frequently on Class 95, so you might want to switch your car's radio to that channel when you drive to school. We still have a date at the Italian restaurant you mentioned on Monday, so don't ever forget about that, and whatever I just said to you indirectly. Breathe the air, this is the new life you are leading now. You can never really let go of this kind of past, but don't let it control your future as well. Still go on living, still go on breathing. Promise, now.

2am and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.

And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe...